Sunday, October 12, 2014

puzzled & blinded

"One should never stare straight into the sun, one could be blinded"
"Every child knows that…" (why are you telling me this, we're indoors, & it's night?)

...I used to long for him to tell me how he felt about me, to explain why he was like he was to me. but when he did in his roundabout way, I never got it. he told me these seemingly random things that made me frustrated. it seemed to me he was always building these walls of words that he hid behind. that the words created distance. he himself was the sphinx he said I was. at another time he said I was like something one only sees in the corner of ones eye, but when one turned ones head to see it straight on, it was gone and one would wonder if it really was there at all. and at another time when I built up the courage to ask him what I was to him, he said I was a 'mirage' to him. 

only just today I got it. about the sun. why didn't I understand what he really meant at the time? because I could never have imagined that he thought that I was like the sun to him. It wasn't that kind of a relationship. I sensed that I meant something more to him besides convenience. but he would never admit it. just once did he tell me that he loved me, in those words, but later he pretended he hadn't, like as if I had imagined it or heard him wrong. (I was also told by someone else that it doesn't 'count' if spoken i that situation.) so I hid how I felt. even if I thought it must be evident, I tried to camouflage it.

but if he had told me in plain words, would that really have helped the situation any? no, I'd just call him a liar. I love riddles and metaphors. I sometimes figure out the ones most others cannot, due to my slightly unconventional thinking. but it is the same for me as for anyone else; we cannot see what we can't accept. cannot find what we don't expect. and our expectations of the world shapes it, our expectations on life shapes it. the only love story that made any sense to me as a child was H.C. Andersens The Little Mermaid. it ends differently than Disney's version (but Disney has changed it's tune nowadays. 'true love's kiss'? Maleficent & Frozen changed the message from Disney, not too soon).

it was solid advice he gave, thought. about the sun, even if it wasn't really about the sun. now when I get it, i try to apply it in my own life. I even found it in an article about how 'people like us' are in relationships:
  • Adopt the distraction strategy: As an avoidant it is easier to get close to your partner when you are focused on other things, incorporate an activity that will allow you to let your guard down.
...this is was what was going through my mind after I watched a vlog by Stella
she asked us to face our trauma. I wondered if I can, or if I just prefer to not to think about them. avoid anything that reminds me of them, at all. 
she's right, we are shaped by our traumas and they can sometimes make us block out the truth. but they are also experiences that at other times can help us discover patterns. but for them to become useful one must work through them. examine the wreckage, determine what really went down, take the power back from the ghosts of the past. one can't do that if they still hurt too much to think about. 

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