special snowflake

there are no one special snowflake. they are all special and unique. 

I was feeling tired and cold inside, so I drew a hot bath. lying in the bath tub, perfectly still, I imagined I was a clone in a pod. only my heartbeat made the water surface move ever so slightly. I imagined I was one clone of ten in total. identical. it's something about it that disturbs me. what offends me with clones; they're no snowflakes. it cheapens life, in some way, or what do you think?

when you love someone that person isn't interchangeable. I'm painfully aware. I have this fear about the ones I love. that they are mortal, they can die. they do die. they die in garage explosions, from single car accidents, they die from suicide. they die from old age and sickness. or they just disappear. it hurts, it makes one not want to risk loving anybody again. even when they are gone, the love for them doesn't go away. (it's supposed to get easier with time, but is that true?) but a clone isn't special. who'd love a clone?

the beauty of snowflakes are it's diversity. the beauty in human culture is it's diversity. but humanity isn't as harmless or beneficial as snow. I'm a member of VHEMT, Voluntary Human Extinction MovemenT. I understand that from a non antropocentric view, this world would benefit from humanity joining the dinosaurs. sometimes in my most misanthrope mood, I think not even the diversity of human cultures is beautiful at all. would an alien think it was? and is there really any real diversity, or is it all just the same shit in different boxes?

most people don't live, they exist, that is all. they're meat robots, muggle zombies, clones. born as originals, they die as copies. what is so beautiful or special about that? I know, I know, what is the use of such thoughts? what can I do about it anyway? ...& who am I to talk, as if I was any better myself? OH well done, started out writing about the specialness and sacredness of life and ended up at the opposing viewpoint in a few bloody sentences. I give up on myself!

one part of the anatomy

women of the internets, you all know of what I speak in this post. 

so this is about what was going through my mind after I watched the last episode of Vikings. there was a scene where Ragnar asks advice of the seer about the two women he wants, but doesn't want to choose between. the seer tells him the story of how the giantess Skadi had her pick among the Asir and Vanir men, but had to choose by only seeing their feet. Ragnar asks by what he should choose woman, and gets a strange answer like by their entrails and everything inside them. but then tells Ragnar he is a fool if he thinks the choice is his to make. 

so that made me think of how sometimes some guys of the internet, of whom one knows nothing (not name or face), out of the blue sends one a picture of a certain part of their anatomy. I think every woman (or person claiming to be a woman) that has spent any time on the internet has had this happen to them at least once. 

I have a request;

the first part is simple; just don't. it's not sexy, it's creepy. it also has a kind of comic effect, you know. (how can you not get that?! you really do know nothing, some of you…)

the second part may astound you; 

...IF you are adamant on sending a picture of one part of your anatomy to me, please send a picture of your hands and underarms. if they are attractive. and especially if their tattooed with snakes or dragons coiled around them. I have a thing for that. if I, like Skadi, had to choose a mate from only seeing one part of a man it'd be the part I'd rather choose from. Different women probably have other preferences; maybe you should ask first before you send any pictures at all. (my thing probably has something to do with me reading The Mists of Avalon when I was thirteen. it's kinda like some guys have a thing for Leia in the slave costume.)

an old painting of mine depicting a modern man who meets his ancestor, who has snake tattoos. the snake tattoo symbolically kills the mans slave-tie. 

puzzled & blinded

"One should never stare straight into the sun, one could be blinded"

"Every child knows that…" (why are you telling me this, we're indoors, & it's night?)

...I used to long for him to tell me how he felt about me, to explain why he was like he was to me. but when he did in his roundabout way, I never got it. he told me these seemingly random things that made me frustrated. it seemed to me he was always building these walls of words that he hid behind. that the words created distance. he himself was the sphinx he said I was. at another time he said I was like something one only sees in the corner of ones eye, but when one turned ones head to see it straight on, it was gone and one would wonder if it really was there at all. and at another time when I built up the courage to ask him what I was to him, he said I was a 'mirage' to him. 

only just today I got it. about the sun. why didn't I understand what he really meant at the time? because I could never have imagined that he thought that I was like the sun to him. It wasn't that kind of a relationship. I sensed that I meant something more to him besides convenience. but he would never admit it. just once did he tell me that he loved me, in those words, but later he pretended he hadn't, like as if I had imagined it or heard him wrong. (I was also told by someone else that it doesn't 'count' if spoken i that situation.) so I hid how I felt. even if I thought it must be evident, I tried to camouflage it.

but if he had told me in plain words, would that really have helped the situation any? no, I'd just call him a liar. I love riddles and metaphors. I sometimes figure out the ones most others cannot, due to my slightly unconventional thinking. but it is the same for me as for anyone else; we cannot see what we can't accept. cannot find what we don't expect. and our expectations of the world shapes it, our expectations on life shapes it. the only love story that made any sense to me as a child was H.C. Andersens The Little Mermaid. it ends differently than Disney's version (but Disney has changed it's tune nowadays. 'true love's kiss'? Maleficent & Frozen changed the message from Disney, not too soon).

it was solid advice he gave, thought. about the sun, even if it wasn't really about the sun. now when I get it, i try to apply it in my own life. I even found it in an article about how 'people like us' are in relationships:

• Adopt the distraction strategy: As an avoidant it is easier to get close to your partner when you are focused on other things, incorporate an activity that will allow you to let your guard down.  http://ericadjossa.com/2014/03/01/understanding-the-needs-of-the-avoidantdismissive-attachment-style/

...this is was what was going through my mind after I watched a vlog by Stella. 
she asked us to face our trauma. I wondered if I can, or if I just prefer to not to think about them. avoid anything that reminds me of them, at all. 
she's right, we are shaped by our traumas and they can sometimes make us block out the truth. but they are also experiences that at other times can help us discover patterns. but for them to become useful one must work through them. examine the wreckage, determine what really went down, take the power back from the ghosts of the past. one can't do that if they still hurt too much to think about. 

Frozen feelings

If I'm smitten with someone and he picks up on that and he is interested and change his behavior towards me - I freeze up inside. I loose all interest. I figure out what words or actions that would alienate the person and then I do it. It is over before it ever really began.

You might think I have problems with attatchment or commitment or something. Maybe it is that too. But what I feel is not fear but weariness. "Now the game begins" I think. I notice myself responding to how I am supposed to react when he is doing his part. I am revolted by it. And in that same moment it dies for me.

That is why I keep my feelings inside me and shelter them. To let them last longer. I do not think it is possible to start a relationship without falling into the old tracks that are shown to us by media and the world around all of us. Yes there are different variations. But they all feel fake and unsatisfactory to me.

If you who are reading have a suggestion for a sollution to this problem of mine you are very welcome to comment on my post. Even if you just want to tell me I am completly wrong and pretentious or something. I am fully aware of the fact that I am dysfunctional and strange. :-D