If I'm smitten with someone and he picks up on that and he is interested and change his behavior towards me - I freeze up inside. I loose all interest. I figure out what words or actions that would alienate the person and then I do it. It is over before it ever really began.
You might think I have problems with attatchment or commitment or something. Maybe it is that too. But what I feel is not fear but weariness. "Now the game begins" I think. I notice myself responding to how I am supposed to react when he is doing his part. I am revolted by it. And in that same moment it dies for me.
That is why I keep my feelings inside me and shelter them. To let them last longer. I do not think it is possible to start a relationship without falling into the old tracks that are shown to us by media and the world around all of us. Yes there are different variations. But they all feel fake and unsatisfactory to me.
If you who are reading have a suggestion for a sollution to this problem of mine you are very welcome to comment on my post. Even if you just want to tell me I am completly wrong and pretentious or something. I am fully aware of the fact that I am dysfunctional and strange. :-D