H2O heX-files

mad scientist II

2011-03-16T13:22:00.004+01:00

neurobiologist Amy Bishop was working on a neural computor, the Neuristor, using living neurons from stem cells, among other things. it's a mystery what made her flip and shoot her collegues. sometimes there are mad scientists in real life?
or she was mind-controlled.

if you tolerate this

2011-03-10T08:15:00.001+01:00

the future teaches you to be alone
the present to be afraid and cold

but

fungi stranger than fiction

2011-03-07T20:04:00.027+01:00

tomorrow is 'fatty thuesday' in Sweden. though we no longer fast, we still like to eat the traditional fattening bun that used to herold the beginning of the fasting period. i guess the fasting was a custom that catholocism brought here once upon a time. fascinating fungi, yeast. how fortunate the ancestors once figured out how to use fungus to make great bread, beer, wine and cheese! not all fungi is fun. i had surgery and antibiotics two months ago. the antibiotics killed off my friendly flora, and something itchy replaced it. (fixed now.)

so, i was researching missing scientists and came across an article about a scientist, Joseph Moshe, that had researched fungi for the american army (biowarfare) since 1952 or something. in the article he was connected to a new strain of airborne Cryptococcus gatti fungi (Cryptococcus neoformans?) that kills like 25% of humans or whatever it infects. cats. it's suspected of causing something called Morgellons disease, and there is a conspiracy theory involving mind control, too. like some parasites (toxoplasma, for one) whatever causes Morgellons, can alter the hosts personality. and there are theories that Morgellans is caused by an engineered nano organism, made by agricultural or bioweapons research, based on "1,3 glukans with an inherent very strong helix-forming character", genetical bits and pieces of ameabas, nematodes, bacteria and parasites. amazing. i really wonder if that was what was in the lake in Iran that Jess took a sample from? there are so many strange life forms in nature! the use of fungi to do work for is ancient, but today they really can genetically engineer fungi to take on new jobs. but some fungi came into existence before we even imagined them. there is an fungi that lives off radiation, for instance, found in Japan and in the Chernobyl area. like the fungi in the manga Nausicaä and the valley of the wind, that purified Earth after nuclear war. that fungi was manmade. in the novel Dreamsnake, there was an alien fungi that altered Earths ecology. the best horror stories with sinister fungi are written by William Hope Hodgson.

oh, sorry, i strayed from reality into fiction again. i tend to do so. oh well, now my very real life baking needs a little work from me, now when the fungi has done it's part.

hypnotic narcotic

2011-03-07T09:06:00.011+01:00

hypnotism makes me think of several things. Kaa, from Disney's cartoon version of The Jungle Book, is my mental picture.

and then i think about my biofathers experiments. he claimed to have learned it from an egyptian man he shared prison cell with.

he continued the experiments until he died, i found his documentation in the appartment after he passed. i have blogged about that 2005, the peculiar installation-like landscape of the appartment. glasses filled up with water grouped on tables. radio & tv sets everywhere, but not set on any channels just 'war of the ants', white noise. very strange man. in his hypnotism diary it is apperent that he used it for contacting the spirit world and that there were a group of them having meetings, probably those strange people that showed up on his funeral. i recognized one of them, she's an theatrical actress. he was a member of AMORC, so they might have been the local chapter of that.

i've once unwittingly brain-washed a friend. i am outspoken about my hate against drug abuse, so if my friends use they keep it a secret to me. so did this friend. i used to talk politics with her, or at her rather, it was a subject that was new to her. to my horror she became utterly convinced by everything i'd discussed with her (while i myself change views every month, sometimes, during this time i was changing from green to red and back from red to green.) when i found out she was using i gathered that it must have been the reason she had been such a enthusiastic audience. because nobody usually has the patience to listen to me rant about what i'm currently obsessed about! it's just not natural.

there have been studies made on the subject of changing ones suggestibility with drugs. it has some effect, but the biggest difference between peoples suggestibility is innate. if i'm anything like my biofather i'm very vulnerable. i remember when the Conspirits investigated some sound clips from earlier experiments made with hypnotism, where the subjects channeled spirits of the dead. just listening to it made me almost loose it. or i did, i don't know. scary! i guess that was what my biofather was into, also. there are also widespread conspiracy theorys based on facts, blended with quite absurd claims.

my doorbell rang, it was a big letter for me! yay. i'm one of the seven. hm, SE7EN, what an ominous number...

what's up, doc?

2011-03-04T13:30:00.004+01:00

Scientists go missing, or are found murdered. microbiologists seem to be worst off. there's plenty of speculation about why. one could probably do a research study about it. Press release from UKSRI (UK scientific research initiative) reports on the recent case of the kidnapping of Jessica Harrington.

kurragömma

2011-03-01T22:13:00.002+01:00

idag har jag funderat lite mer på att J utifall hon av någon anledning avsåg att gömma sin forskning för sina uppdragsgivare, kan ha arrangerat sitt försvinnande själv. om hon misstänkte att militären vill masshypnotisera drogade människor till sömngångarzombies så förstår man ju om hon inte ville ge ifrån sig sitt serum.

isånafall vill vi ju inte avslöja var hon finns för hennes förföljare. jag tänker på Marika / Maria som Conspirare försökte hitta, hon var ju inte alls kidnappad eller bortförd av nån satanistsekt (Ordo Serpentis), utan hade själv valt att gå under jorden.

som vanligt när sånt här händer tänker jag på intressanta tider med Conspirare, Mnema och P.I.E. gänget. i de undersökningarna hade vi ett ställe att prata på inom TINAG. jag saknar det i detta fall, än så länge, och hoppas att det ska ändras.

mad scientist

2011-03-01T20:39:00.003+01:00

inventions can change life on this planet, in a good or bad fashion, but at the conception of an idea it can be hard for the scientist to predict how it will play out. the research can be aimed at one field of use, but the ones in charge can have different plans. even so, the idea of the mad scientist is strong in modern society.

way back, the inventor owned his invention. but the usual way nowadays is that the employer owns everything the scientist researches on company time. so what shall a scientist do, if she discovers that something she was hoping would benifit mankind and the environment, instead will be used in some unethical way? to try to keep the research from the employers, i guess, would be viewed as stealing.

to use = to get used

2011-03-01T11:31:00.005+01:00

some of them want to use you
some of them want to be used by you

some day you will play just the way they want you to play

(the white mice in the Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy.)

and you don't even who they are, or who you are hurting
(Ender in Enders Game.)

J stated that D was probably into her and that she could use that. she never stoped to think that maybe D made her think he was into her so she would trust him, and he could use that.

and who is using/abusing you? for what? a company, a corrupt goverment, the military, the police, the terrorists? to track down, to capture, to reveal, to register, to destroy, to snare?

it's not your motivation for doing something that counts if you're beeing stupid, it is the end result and maybe it's not you that will be paying for it.

The myth of Dido

2011-02-27T17:45:00.005+01:00

Someone who was apt at getting a little to last a long way was Queen Dido (Dido means wanderer) of Carthage. She and her followers arrived as fugitives in ancient Libya, asking for only as much land that could be covered by an ox's hide. She was promised this, and she had an oxhide cut into a single thin long strip that encompassed a mountain, and there Cathage was built.

CETERUM AUTEM CENSEO, CARTHAGIEM ESSE DELENDAM. - NOT!

Dream control

2011-02-26T23:38:00.002+01:00

Inception, what an interesting movie. I'm going to sleep now and hopefully nobody will be meddling with my dreams, like in Inception and in the song Silent lucidity.

The Tesla coil

2011-02-26T22:43:00.006+01:00

in the early 1900s a major use of Tesla coils was to apply high frequency current directly to the body in electrotherapy.

Tesla invented tech still used today, in modified forms. Some things he never realised in his lifetime like the 'death ray'. One of the conspiracy theories out there is that HAARP was using his research to produce a non-leathal weapon that is perfected today, that uses radio waves to cause 'brain-fog' in living beeings over vast areas. And that tests with this weapon is what causes whales to beach, and birds to drop from the sky.

Dracunculus medinensis

2011-02-26T15:11:00.010+01:00

Man tror att läkaremblemet som föreställer en 'orm' virad kring en stav från början var en avbildning av hur man drar ut en parasit ur kroppen med en pinne. inte särskilt romantiskt, kan tyckas. Den lille gynnaren har det latinska namnet Dracunculus medinensis och man kan drabbas av den genom dricksvattnet, dock inte i Sverige. (Vi har fått en annan otäck liten parasit att vara rädda för, dvärgbandmasken.)

Nå senare blandade man ihop askleipiosstaven med caduceusstaven, som är en häroldsstav. Ormarna kring den sägs symbolisera dualismer i samförstånd genom stavens fredsmäklande egenskaper. Eftersom en av gudarna som hade den som emblem var Hermes/Merkurius som var köpmännens OCH tjuvarnas skyddsgud så fick den symbolisera handel. Fast nu är det som sagt vanligt att den tar askleipiosstavens plats. Till exempel hos USAs 'medical department'.

healing

2011-02-26T10:38:00.011+01:00

some years ago i had a hard time accepting the diagnose i got, SLE. i just couldn't believe that my own immunesystem would turn on the body it was made to protect for no reason at all. i speculated that there was some underlying condition that made my immunesystem act this way, for instance a parasite or poisoning by environmental toxins, and it turns out i was kind of right all along.

for the latest five months i've been dealing with what started out as a case of suspected sceleton cancer. i had this bump on my leg and it hurt badly, especially at nights. at the worst, i had three nights of sleep on one week. i went to see doctors. several in a row as my case was passed upwards, until it got to national level of care in Stockholm. that's when you know you have got something unusual.

i was getting pretty worried while all the different scannings went on, and ihad to wait for the results. X-ray, MRI, CAT scans, many bloodsamples and doctors appointments. at the same time i was grateful for the level of care i recieved. you should know this is practically free for the patient in Sweden, i would never been able to afford to pay for the real cost of all of that myself.

two and a half months ago i was put under for surgery. i have never had surgery before and i was pretty scared, but meditated to diffuse the angst. a major part of the bump was chiseled away and sent to a lab to be analyzed. since the bone canal had grown shut by the bump which they were calling a tumour at that point, they also drilled it open. the i had sickleave for six weeks to heal up.

i didn't feel comfortable to stay at home just waiting for the results, so i started working early. it turned out it wasn't a malignant cancer tumour - anymore. my doctor, Dr J Marton, explained to me that my immunesystem detected the cancer years ago and capsuled it in a material that is harder than bone and thus isolating it and killing it. amazing!! so it might be that all those 'SLE symptoms' i had was just my body fighting cancer.

all these years when i have been disappointed at my body because it was acting irrational and weaker than i expected it to be, it was actually more of a warrior than i could ever have imagined or believed. now i'm still healing from the surgery, so there is no snowboarding in the plans for this spring, and i run out of stuff like magnesium in my body and have to eat supplements. but on the whole i'm feeling better than i have been in years.

Spåren börjar långt tillbaka i tiden...

2011-02-26T08:21:00.017+01:00

lyckligtvis kan google inte översätta mitt språk till engelska särskilt väl, så jag kan spekulera ganska öppet på svenska utan att de som rövat bort forskaren J H förstår vad jag håller på med? [denna blogg är en del av mitt verklighetsspelande och skall inte tas på fullt allvar]

så, igår kväll läckte videon ut som visar hur J H blir bortrövad. egentligen vet man inte om hon arrangerat försvinnandet själv för att slippa ifrån företaget hon jobbar för, eller om det är t.ex. ett konkurrerande företag eller något lands militär som ligger bakom försvinnandet. hur som helst är det flera privatpersoner som undersöker fallet ideellt just nu, och har bland annat lyckats hacka sig in i hennes personliga filer på hennes företagsloggin och där hittade de en kopia av ett intressant dokument som kopplas till påstådda försök med hjärntvätt. kanske kom J H för nära hemligstämplat material?

J H nämner några olika personer som hon mött i sin sedan länge övergivna blogg och i forskningsvideor på företagssidan. A. Hunt heter en av dem och går man in på theblackhelix sidan så uppmanas man "join the hunt" vilket ju kan ha dubbelmeningen att man sällar sig till jakten eller att man sällar sig till denne A. Hunt? är det han som ligger bakom uppmärksammandet av fallet?

och vem är denne psykologiproffessor R W som J H som bjöd in henne till Kampala 2007 (se hennes blogg) men som hon innan hon blev bortrövad inte fick särskilt mycket hjälp i sin forskning av just innan hon försvann? J H verkar vara besviken och förvånad över hur ohjälpsam han var. jag tycker nog att han är misstänkt. någon att akta sig för eller/och undersöka? har allt detta något att göra med gamla experiment med hjärntvättsdroger?
isånafall, kan man förvänta sig att J H kommer tillbaka och är helt förändrad?

forskarna på den tiden studerade 'primitiva' kulturers användning av sinnesförändrande droger för att hitta sådant som kunde komma till nytta i militärt bruk. det finns dem som tror att sådana medel använts sedan femtiotalet, och har varit centralt i morden av presidenter och andra viktiga personer. i Sverige mördades statsminister Olof Palme, som ironiskt nog sägs vara den som gav klartecken till att göra hjärnimplantat på fångar.

detdär påminner mig om en bok jag läst förra året, Män som stirrar på getter av Jon Ronson. det man måste fråga sig är, om nu sinneskontrollen är så lysande, varför styr man inte bara politiket och forskare direkt istället för att styra kriminella och mentalpatienter att mörda dem? det verkar vara att gå över ån för att hämta vatten.

i'm awake.

2011-02-25T21:42:00.005+01:00

so, another scientist disappeared. i remember a fellow P.I.E. member reporting on many scientists gone missing in recent years. maybe this is a part of it, whatever it is.

One drop in the Ocean

2009-12-13T22:30:00.009+01:00

We found it!

What we saw on the way there:

Oh MaYa!

2009-12-08T22:54:00.005+01:00

Today I posted a Love Letter to the Future at www.loveletterstothefuture.com (and so should You my friends). It was a painting and a text. I was baffled that something of what we put in seem to have gotten through to the future, as I read about Maya's Dream... at
http://loveletterstothefuture.blogspot.com

She stirs up some thoughts

2009-08-20T23:20:00.005+02:00

There is something going on with the case of Junko Junsui. I don't know what to believe. Things are not what they seem at first, and when you dig deeper, they are not what you find then either, but there are even more layers. Deception upon deception upon deception. In war, they say, the truth is the first casualty.
Spontaneously, I would say that there is discrepancy between what the Junsui say they are, and how they act. For that reason, what they are saying and doing is thought provoking.

Everybody have a need to be creative or to express themselves in some way. The societies (the people around us) always offer this way; to buy the opportunity to do that. They capitalize on this need. This is why we want to become rich. But mostly, we are being directed into realizing somebody else’s dreams for their self expression. We are also expected to pay for this, too. To be successful is to have others pay for getting to help realize your dreams, not their own.

The Junsui say they are against something, and then they DO just that, themselves.
This is of course very human - we all judge others differently than we judge ourselves. But I think it's more to it than that. I don't think they are what they pose as. Unfortunatly. I had hopes about them.
Maybe people can't see through this act.
I wondeer what harm can be done.
But I could be wrong.

A sister in need?

2009-08-14T16:02:00.000+02:00

Junko Junsui

Poisoned Paradise

2009-07-18T12:26:00.008+02:00

While the snake I was swimming with was not venomous, there is another poison in my paradise. The reason I could not safely launch an truely self-sufficant project out here in the woods is: it's too late. Chernobyl. Much of the dust clouds from the Chernobyl disaster rained down here. I can, as I did yesterday, pick blueberries for an occasional pie, but not pick and make jam for the whole year. I know when I'm burning firewood, I'm releasing radioactive particles into the air again. It's forbidden to eat the fish from the lakes around here. And so on... Sorrow in my heart. The poison in paradise isn't the snake, but the humans.

Water Snake

2009-07-18T09:56:00.007+02:00

Yesterday evening I wanted to wash some dust off, and went to the little island to take a swim there. The water is warm and it was a sunny, beautiful evening. I was carefully stepping into the water, since the rocks are both sharp and slippery-slimy there, when I felt a sudden hesitation. In my mind I saw a snake swimming towards me in the water. "Ridiculus" I told myself, "what are the odds that an adder will be swimming towards me?"

Repeating that in my mind, mantra-like, I swam out. As I swam out from the island I could see around it, and guess what? A snake was swimming towards me! Unbeliveable. I paniced and swam towards land and quickly I was out of the water. Then I saw the yellow markings behind it's head; It was jus an non venomous grass snake, or water snake as they also are called.

The snake was not much startled but did make a little way around me in the water as I was swimming ashore. Then it came up on land two meters from me, inbetween some rocks and vegetation. After a rest in the sun it continued on it's way around the island. Amazing. The animal life around the cottage are not at all afraid of humans. Squirrels, toads, birds... Now a snake, too.

Summer Solstice

2009-06-22T10:08:00.015+02:00

Tonight I haven't sleept at all. I've spent five hours on the little island watching the dawn. I couldn't convince anyone to make me company, they were all adamant on sleeping. The sea was like a mirror, vailed by mists, when I arrived. The birdsong was almost deafening at times. I had to run around and climb some to keep warm before the sun rose.

The island is just a big chunk of green stone that has got it soft shapes by beeing sanded down by the the inland ice sheet more than 10.000 years ago. In the sunlight the stone glitters like it's infused with countless crystals. The island is partly covered in moss, with a few tormented but still quite big and old fir trees.

A few feather like clouds brushed the sky, before sunrise they started to glow with a gold lining when the horizon blushed pink and yellow. The mists moved faster over the water surface and almost looked like ghosts or faerys dancing, before they were dispersed by the warmth of the rising sun. I did some yoga; Guess what? :-)

I promise myself to do these 'out of the ordinary rut' things more. But it often takes special occations likt the Summer Solstice for me to Dao it a bit. Now I'm back home and have a few things to arrange before I finish packing for Finland. I'm really tired now thought, and have to sleep three hours before I can get anything at all done...

The picture is from an other occation, when I saw a hobgoblin (or possibly a tompta?) on the island.

Oceanic Dreams

2009-06-08T11:05:00.011+02:00

The Sea Whirlpool Dream
A boy of about seven y.o. standing at a pir with an old man. He points out to the sea, at a Whirlpool. The boy is awed. I get a feeling it is in Norway.

I don't remember any more of that dream, I had it as a child. But I have had many dreams about oceans. Here are some more I remember:

The Mirror in the Sea.
Me and another young identical girl sit in the waves, and there is an antique make up table with a big oval mirror, half submerged in the sea. We are smearing on red lipstick and laughing. Our white dresses are wet and our long hair is all tangled up by salt water. Suddently she is not beside me but in the mirror instead of my reflection. She smiles and reveal fangs. She leaps out of the mirror at me and scratch me. I run from her. The rest of the dream I run and try to hide from vampires and everybody around me turns into vampires. In the end I do, too.

The Sunken Ship
We have swam out to explore a sunken ship. Everybody dives down to look at it. I feel a intense hesitation to submerge myself entirely in the Sea. I am alone at the surface and all is dead still.

The Road Dream

2009-06-08T09:26:00.011+02:00

In the dream I am walking along a big road. The road is packed with people, all walking in the same direction with apathetic expressions and movements. The landscape is flat and the whole dream is grayish in color, like it is an eternal winter’s dusk. The road seems to be the only thing there, and moving forward the only thing important. People are in all different ages. When someone stops moving forward they are trampled under by the rest, who does not even seem to take notice or care about it. I look down at the tarmac and I realise that the road is made up by bodies, skeleton parts and remains of clothes that are crushed and packed into this grey macabre road. I imagine the road taking form at the head of it, and realize it doesn’t lead anywhere, it is just being created continually. Maybe the ones in the front only are trying to get away from the road. Looking down as another one is trampled down, I notice paths leading down from the road into the thorny shrubbery vegetation. I continue moving forward, but start notice more and more of these paths. With great hesitation I finally decide to divert from the big road to follow one of these paths. I find that the paths are running across each other in great pattern of confusion and over and over again I find myself on paths heading up onto the big road again. The paths don’t seem to lead anywhere either. But I continue to follow them, increasingly scarred and scratched and wild looking.

City

2009-06-08T09:26:00.010+02:00

I usually have no problem finding my way in the woods. To me all the trees and rocks do not look the all the same. Some I like, some I don't. I get a feeling for where I am. But in the cities I am always paniced. The buildings disturb my ability to orient myself and I get overwhelmed and tired. Maybe it's because I really don't want to be there.

I have noticed others react in a similar way to the woods that I do the the city. Maybe we can't change what pattern was imprinted on us growing up. I would find that infinitly sad. So many souls who will never know or enjoy reality. More than half of the human population on the planet now lives in city's. For the first time ever.

I don't really care to become comfortable in cities, and people maybe don't care to become more at home in the woods. But I have not grown up by the ocean, and that does not stop me from wanting to get to know it. I did grow up by a river and among lots of lakes thought, that may help a little. The oceans scare me. I find it exciting.

Oh, btw: Today is World Ocean Day. Wear blue and tell two!

Into the wild

2009-06-07T21:38:00.009+02:00

I was looking forward to be sailing now, but I should have known better than getting my hopes up. Oh, I did so long to get away from everything for a long while. Forget that I am human. Not have to relate to other humans besides the others with me, who don't want to be human eighter.

Well I have to continue to get my wilderness in small doses. Tonight the moon is full and the sky is clear. As soon as darkness falls I will go running in the woods. The last time I went running this late I ran into the lynx that I've been told has been sighted often in the woods where I run. It was at a distance but it roared at me! I have seen lynx before but at greater distance and they have never cared about me.

How loud it sounded! I didn't expect it. Have only ever heard the sound in documentarys before. It is more of a bark than a roar, really. I was startled and felt a bit panicy, had to make myself run a bit slower and not faster. Not that I have ever head anyone say they have been attacked by a lynx. I felt silly for beeing scared by it.

I often run into deer there. Especially if I run off the track. Which I obviesly can't do in the dark. I will stay at the path. I have a trick that has preserved my night vision so it is very good. I always close my left eye for a moment if I am dazzled. A military taught me that when I was a child. Other superpowers: I have hearing like a dog's on one ear. :-)

Later: I saw the lynx again I think! Closer this time, but it leaped into shrubbery when I came and did not move and I wasn't about to stop and have a look in there! It was surprisingly cold outside. I took the longest warm shower and a hot cup of tea when I came home. It would have been nice with a warm somebody in bed tonight thought.

Gaia

2009-06-06T21:00:00.002+02:00

Today is the National Day of Sweden. This event I have marked in no way at all. Tomorrow thought, is an important day to me, because I get to vote green in the EU election. I know it's futile. I don't want to think about how futile it is, and anything else I can do. I'd rather go on hoping for miracles. If one doesn't even try, what chanse has she got? Gaia. The love of my life.

Laleh sings it.

2009-05-29T11:51:00.001+02:00

People are u ready?
Fighters are u ready
Dreamers are u ready
If you're truly ready
Come on get ready

They could take me up,
Take me down
I don't care
I'm not found
'Cause we don't understand
The meaning of hamebaham
He said don't let them fool ya
He means the one who rules ya
I say u got to seize the power to be free
And I don't mean the money
And I don't mean control
But I mean the power over heads and our souls

People are u ready
We got nothing to loose
I won't let them rule my dreams
I won't let them tease me
Don't fall for temptations
or the lives they offer
Where are u my sisters
Where are u my brothers

Wait and Sea

2009-05-26T14:16:00.012+02:00

I can not elaborate on the subject, since THE CARTEL IS MONITORING ME - sigh - but PIE has not given up yet. It would have been neat to be there when it goes down but it is at the other side of the planet. And this hex does not fly. I'm a sailing witch. Talking about which, the Coleridge is seaworthy once again and will hit the waves at friday. I will wait before I join the crew thought. The route is not set yet but when it is I will not post it here for
the Cartel3 to sea?

Dealing

2009-05-26T09:45:00.010+02:00

I was worried just now, when a overseas friend of mine edmitted that he drinks exessivly these days. I figured that he was a person who listened to music as a way of dealing with stress, guess I was wrong or that doesn't really cut it for the current situation. I think one of the big things that carachterise a person is how they deal with stress. My friend often says that it means a lot to him that his friends are there for him and I am very happy to hear that some of his friends are visiting soon.

I deal with my stress in a different way. Yesterday evening I was on my way out running at sunset, I have changed from mornings to evenings now. But since the collective's dirt bike was available I changed my mind and headed over to the track instead.

Since I had my latest flare of lupus I have had a long way back. It took longer to shed the extra weight I put on from the prednisone than I had expected. Every time I started exercising more I had inflammations in the joints again and had to rest. Since I don't want to go into another flare I have to be careful.

But yesterday I was able to really go and I got concentrated enough to be able to get to that stillness in my mind and heart that training gets me to if it is intense enough. Oh how I have missed it! For shame I didn't take a helmet because I didn't expect to be able to go any fast at all. I thought it would be a struggle. Instead I felt like I should. Strong and light and fast. (Sorta. I am really still slow and weak, comparing...)

I need exersise to be able to deal with emotional stress. I can't just meditate it away as some people manage. That is why lupus is so doubly painful to me, when it locks me into immobility. It makes me unable to successfully deal with stress the only way I can. At the same time it wrecks my life and threatens me with death and really stresses me out. Torture!

Now I am speculating, but I peg Baron as a person who exersise not only because of the blatantly obvious reason - he is as vain as a beauty queen! - but as a way of dealing with stress, it makes him feel good? I think beeing captive and tied down must feel something like what i feel having a lupus flare only worse. Fear of death, stress, but no way of dealing except to escape inside. I read a research paper about hostage situations and hallucinating, it is very usual in those situations. Maybe they are not hallucinating, maybe their spirit really leave the body and wander. I hope that he manages to keep his sanity and that we'll get him back in one piece both physically and mentally.

Speaking about 'one piece', I wonder how long the bike has been creaking like that when strained. Doesn't sound good. If I ask the others they will probably say I singlehandedly wrecked it with this my first ride in like a YEAR, and make me pay for repairs or a new one. :-D Nahhh! They would never do that.

DON'T PANIC!

2009-05-25T11:04:00.011+02:00

Happy Towel Day! This should be an
world wide (or galactic!) holiday!

Tried to make a youtube vid for the other PIE slices but fail, fail, fail. Ahhhrg. It must be the Cartel, interfering with Towel Day. I'll fish slap them for this!

Ahhh, finally the vid went through! And Riki's vid was awesome!

+Baron Rude+

2009-05-23T20:28:00.013+02:00

The Cartel brothers Harry and Bart was outwitted and has fled. Hector is back with us and we're happy about that, celebrating with cake that Lys baked and decorated with the PIE logo. We have to imagine eating it but it looks tasty and very fine. Still we are missing Baron and we have yet to crush the cartel to ensure the JUMP.

The Cartel's really intent on making the PIE slices - us - believe that Baron is dead. There can be several reasons for this. One is to scare us into silence. Another is to make us stop looking for him and give up. I believe it is the second alternative that is the correct one. And so do the other PIE slices.

Illegitimati-Bart was on my case about me refusing to accept that Baron is dead. He doesn't feel dead to me. There is more to it than wishful thinking. We are not giving up. By taking Baron, the Cartel made us more desperate to find, reveal and crush them. If we thought he was dead and acted out lust for revenge there would be a risk that we would loose our humanity and the Cartel would win in a way. We will not grant them that victory.

42

2009-05-23T18:31:00.008+02:00

I somtimes complain about the ways of middleclass people and I am always meet with a very surprised: "But you are typical middleclass!" And I have even been told it is typical for middleclass people to dislike the middleclass! I do have middle class interests like for example sailing, but in a totally different way than they are doing it. Well the actual sailing is the same, but I detest their culture around it. And I am not working class eighter, but i dislike them less. I would belong in the woods hunting and gathering I think. Or I am a bohemian of a kind. I don't know. I'm just a misfit I guess.

Years ago when I was very young I was asked about how I view my life for an article on my writing and art. My answer chocked the reporter so much that she started to try talking me out of it in the middle of the interview and then she was very cross with me. What did I say? Simply that I didn't value my own life if I did not do something totally original with it. That anything else would be a waste of the Earths recources. But that I did not judge anyone else. It is true - I don't dislike the middleclass for living unoriginal lives (- I don't love them for it eigther though). I dislike them because they won't let me live an original life. Because it makes me feel like an living dead and a waste of air. I rather be really dead because as I wrote in my post Awen, I know that death it is bliss.

One way to explain why I have this notion it is that Douglas Adams was right in a way, about 42. The Earth is a computer built to figure out the meaning of life and if everyone insists on living all the same way we will never arrive at the answer.
My personal take on it, is that our lives are sorta strings of calculations for a beeing that we are a part of. Hela: my concept of the divine. Both what we are physically and the thoughts and feelings we are experiencing are parts of Hela. This is my own personal brand of 'insanity'. What is yours? Don't tell me that it is exactly the same and you are middleclass and all your middleclass friends think the same. I might just off myself. :-D

Con*version

2009-05-21T10:20:00.014+02:00

Are Christians to run from witches in fear, or should they make every effort to reach them for Jesus Christ? Indeed, we show how a Christian can use this information to reach a practicing witch with the saving Gospel!

From: http://www.cuttingedge.org/news/headline.html
This kind of religious intolerance is better than beeing burned at the stake, but still, I find it hard to deal with. There are a couple of Jehovas witnesses that come around very often. I don't want to tell them what I really think because I don't want to scare them and I respect their right to their faith. In their perspective they are trying to save me. So how could I be disrespectful then? Large parts of my family is Jehovas. They seem very harmonious and happy. But beeing happy that way is just not in my nature. In an episode of Doctor Who a woman keept comin back to an old house, she said it was making her sad. And that sad is happy for deep people. ...It may sound bonkers but there is truth to it. I would not be happy if I couldn't have sad and destructive feelings. I am such a freak that way...

Would you rather be right or happy ? And of course the truth is, we all say we would rather be happy and we all perceive to live our lives as though we would rather be right !

This is a qoute from a new age group of the self help kind. But there might be even creepier movements out there now. I would not mind if they were running from me in fear. :-) The question is who are 'they'? Their apostel Bart is spreading the word:

Stop talking about the past and start building a new future. They really are there for us. You just have to have faith in them. They can help you find order in your mind.

Words from the Illegitimati, making PIE a happy place.

The 'Illegitimati' take over of PIE.

2009-05-20T18:13:00.016+02:00

Hector had to flee from PIE HQ and a couple of guys turned up at the forum claiming that Hector and Baron was hoaxers who stole their idea for a comic book and fooled us into thinking it was real. Now they had taken over and there would be no more investigating or discussing the JUMP, instead the forum would be dedicated to discussing Science Fiction and Fantasy. The initial reaction from the forum was a defiant one. But quite fast we adopted a strategy to pretend to play along with Bart and Harry, seemingly discussing science fiction and fantasy. Bart was happy for a moment:

"Yes. This is wonderful. Be social. Communicate with the other members. What a happy place PIE has now become."

But soon he shew that he was a tyrannical peck, disrespectful and arrogant. Lets say there was absolutely no danger of PIE getting the 'Stocholm syndrome'. For example, he didn't like the look of my signature image (of the Romulan Nero from Star Trek) and ordered me to change it to something 'happier'. I did so, but Vally came to my defense and pointed out that they have yet to proove their legal claims and did not whield any actual power over the forum. Soon enough the forum was abound with grim signature images. Most of them designed by the talanted Tio.

"Attn PIE members: moving forward, there will be no signature files allowed in this forum. Please have them all disabled by this time tomorrow. You must comply. Thank you and have a PIE-rrific day."

Yesterday there was a storm of namecalling at the forum and Bart lost his cool. He started to refer to the Cartel and someone in PIE beeing a traitor. Thereby sorta edmitting that they work for the Cartel. (We figured that much since before.) Harry made a weak attemt to start conversation about Star Trek or LOST instead. He gave us a fair warning: "It's my experience people generally get what they deserve. Tread lightly people." When it did not work out he finally threatened us:

"Bart and I will explore solutions to this problem. None of which will favor you or your friends. Pack your bags, you're all about to go on a trip."

Just so you know my friends; if I suddently vanish, the Cartel has picked me up for a trip to Tortureland. Well, there are worse things; like Vogon poetry. On that note: Don't forget to take your towel out with you next monday.
And DON'T PANIC!

Lagomness

2009-05-19T09:53:00.007+02:00

The nordic mentality of lagomness has old roots. In odal society the annual meetings by the law ring where all quarrels were settled, was what held communities together. The word lagom meant "according to law" but in modern use the word means 'just right' weather it applies to conduct or an amount of something. Lagom is more than just about written law; it is foremost about unwritten laws. Extremes are bad and dangerous, and there is a time and a place for everything. This, I believe, is why nordic people party so wildly. When there is a right time for partying we have a lot of unrulyness pent up inside us. When we get out of our country we really let loose. I believe the raiding bands of vikings were mostly people suffocating from and escaping the 'lagomness' of home.
Nordic people have always been curious about the world. We like to go out into it and bring it home. But when something new enters our society we are very anxious to collectively assign this new element to its right time and place in our society. We are sensitive to the conscensus and everybody adapts to it. The new elements are welcome as a superficial change of flavour but it may not change the essence of our society in any way.
People who do not live according to lagom are shunned. And that is the dark side of lagom... When someone has not the sense or the courtesy to act lagom, this person loose its rights in the eyes of the collective.
To display signs of discomfort with the lagom way of life is labelled depression. It is a disease to not fit in with the lagomness. This is a threat to the balance of lagomness and has to be adressed by the society. These people has to be cured. Now what I am wondering is, in America there are large communities of nordic immigrants. Have they brought the lagomness with them? Or did they, as the vikings, leave here to get away from it?

May is Lupus awareness month.

2009-05-13T19:15:00.012+02:00

Several weeks ago I had an interesting twitter discussion with another lupie about the new ageish theories that one can think oneself well. I have since then tried to worry about lupus as little as possible. I have ignored my worries about what to eat and sunshine and all that. Any pain I have tried to put out of my mind instead of thinking about the reason for the pain. I only can accomplish this by focusing hard at something outside myself. Also I have stop myself from my old thought patterns, and the feelings that bubble up when I get a symptom. I say to myself: it is just a common cold. Or: everyone loose a little hair now and then. Or: I am just a little tired right now.

It's working! I actually feel less sick and I have had less inflammation. Long term I will maybe be able to live with the lupus without feeling fearful and bitter about it, and I won't have to try so hard to put it out of my mind. One lady told me that thought doctors say lupus is incureable I should not believe them but instead I should believe that I can heal myself compleatly and my body would make it happen. I don't know if I can make myself belive that, I have too much trust i science.
Yes May is Lupus awareness month but instead of making people more aware of lupus I made myself less aware of it...

This are the tweets that led up to my experiment:
# 03:04 Do you believe that every single ice crystal is designed with a purpose? Is there a built in mechanism in water? Or innate spirit? (posted by @H2Ohexagon)
# 03:05 @H2Ohexagon That’s an excellent question. I wonder if it’s a combination of all three! #
# 03:25 @autoimmunelife Do you belive that we are also created/beeing created/are creating ourselves? How does it make you feel about lupus?
# 03:26 @H2Ohexagon That one is going to take some thought, and probably several twitters lol #
# 03:27 @H2Ohexagon Hmm…. I think Earth was created, but whatever entity it was then became uninvolved… I also think we become who we are #
# 03:27 @H2Ohexagon Through a means of self creation… if that makes sense… like physically we were created, but after that we become who we are #
# 03:28 @H2Ohexagon Through our actions and choices, and the actions and choices of others that affect us…. so in that way we create ourselves #
# 03:28 @autoimmunelife Do you think we can heal ourselves from lupus? I have meet a few who believe this. I don’t know if my faith is that strong!
# 03:28 @H2Ohexagon as far as the lupus…. I’m really not sure at all how it relates to the rest of that…. it’s something I havent thought about #
# 03:29 @H2Ohexagon I just know I’m angry and upset about the lupus, even as I accept that I have it, I don’t accept it… not sure how to explain.. #
# 03:29 @H2Ohexagon I think that there are actions we can take that can help heal us from lupus… but having so many AI diseases, I’m not sure… #
# 03:30 @H2Ohexagon how we would go about actually healing ourselves with these illnesses. it’s our bodies rebelling against us. fighting themselves #
# 03:31 @autoimmunelife Yes, I know. They say we go through stages of sorrow, over and over again. It’s impossible to accept, on some levels.
# 03:32 @H2Ohexagon Yes…. And my lupus diagnosis was less than six months ago… so I’m still having all sorts of emotions #
# 03:33 @H2Ohexagon My endo I do a lot better with, though it’s getting so much worse that I’m yet again going through a grieving process #
# 03:34 @autoimmunelife I was born with it, as we (lupies) all are, it is a part of who I am like my eye colour But it’s my own body killing itself!
# 03:36 @H2Ohexagon That’s an excellent way to put it!! It’s just hard to accept that my body is killing itself… I was born with endo too… #
# 03:36 @H2Ohexagon But didn’t have issues til I was 14 (period start) and wasn’t diagnosed til 20, Lupus started getting severe last year… #
# 03:36 @autoimmunelife Those who say we can heal ourselves, say that the most important thing is to clear ourelves from fear and bitterness.
# 03:37 @H2Ohexagon It hadn’t ever interfered with my life before, and I didn’t have enough symptoms for a dx. #
# 03:37 @H2Ohexagon Not sure I can disagree with them there… bitterness, fear, anger… they all seem to be poisons… #
# 03:37 @autoimmunelife But I’m angry and upset like you are, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to take the meds, I don’t want to stay in the shade.
# 03:39 @H2Ohexagon I’m sick of my finger joints swelling, I’m sick of having difficulty walking, I’m sick of wondering if my high bp is lupus #
# 03:39 @H2Ohexagon And I’m sick of meds that only help certain issues (I can go in the sun if I take my Plaquenil, and my mouth sores are gone) #
# 03:39 @H2Ohexagon I was told that the Plaq would be a big help since I have “minor” lupus (no organ involvement) but it hasn’t helped the things #
# 03:40 @H2Ohexagon that are the hardest for me to deal with. I sunburn easy, so the photosensitivity isn’t quite as much of a deal for me #
# 03:41 @H2Ohexagon Having to have my husband help me dress, tie my shoes, brush my hair or give me a shower though…. that upsets me! #
# 03:44 @autoimmunelife It upsets me too, to hurt the nes around me. My sister worries that her children might have it too and she gets afraid, sad.
# 03:45 @H2Ohexagon I feel for your sister – one of my biggest fears if I can become a mom is passing it on! #
# 03:46 @H2Ohexagon But it’s hard because you don’t want to weigh them down, even though you want to be honest #
# 03:46 @H2Ohexagon that’s my experience at least #
# 03:47 @autoimmunelife I would hate to to pass it on to children. What shall we do, screen the babies and have abortions if they are girls? Horrid!
# 03:51 @H2Ohexagon But even boys can get it… and then there are the other complications that can happen (neonatal lupus)… #
# 03:51 @H2Ohexagon And I know for fact that my endometriosis is genetic… so I fear passing that on to a girl #
(A missing tweet…)
# 03:51 @H2Ohexagon Take care, have fun, thanks for the interesting conversation, and letting me whine/vent a bit #

PIE disaster!

2009-05-13T12:35:00.007+02:00

The Cartel has kidnaped Baron in the middle of an bake-off between him and Hector. I don't know what to do right now. Things don't make sense to me so I am not sure how I can help right now. Frustrating. Tonight at midnight we are all simultanusly watching the kidnap vid the Cartel sent. For the other international Pie slices it will be other times at the day of course. Just midnight for me. A part of Hectors latest message:

PIE is bigger than just Baron and I now. Ensuring it’s survival and growth is necessary, especially if something should happen to me. The community we’ve formed is full of brilliant, dedicated,and passionate people. I’m proud to work alongside you and I know the community will prosper no matter what happens.

From now on, I’ll be sharing evidence with you as I find it. We will draw strength from each other. The first thing I’ll be sharing with you is Baron’s abduction video. I want to watch it with you. Live. Tomorrow, Wednesday at 3 PM Pacific Time.

Join the investigation, register at: http://pietheory.com

May fires & sex rites... or just gardening.

2009-04-30T12:32:00.008+02:00

May/Valborg/Beltaine rites are often related to sex. But while I see no point in denying that sex is an interest of mine, it is not something I engage in in for ritual purposes. I am not that kind of witch (thought I know a few...). Sex can bring intense feelings but it is not magic, and I look upon it as cheating a bit. Like I think it is cheating to use drugs or alcohol in rites really. I cheat a little at Valborg evening, I drink beer. :-)

I have a relationship directly with nature that aquire nothing else to instill me with a sense of wonder and worship, that is as intense as an infatuation. The feeling I have is beyond intellectual edmiration of natures beauty and cruelty. The intellectual understanding of nature deepens the feeling but is not the source of it. I feel bliss in every cell of my body and I forget about myself when I am out in nature alone. (Other humans most often spoil it for me by talking.)

I am born a hex. At six years old I went into the woods behind the cottage and made my very first altar on a big rock that was flat on top. I gathered curious and beautiful finds there, like a cranium of a raindeer, feathers and stones that glittered or of strong colour and wierd shaped branches. I also made paint from berries and made signs at the altar. I do not know where I got the ideas from. My foster family where atheists, I knew nothing of my herritage then.

Now we are leaving for Valborg celabration. Lo from the collective has rented a car. First we are going to see that Coleridge is all right in the winter storage, before we continue to the cottage by the sea. We have lots of work to do there at this time of year. Both with the boat and the cottage garden. I am bringing novels and rubber boots with me. There will be no internet. But we will manage. We will pretend it is after the civilization has fallen, like in that song "You and the Candles".

Frozen feelings

2009-04-28T16:56:00.014+02:00

If I'm smitten with someone and he picks up on that and he is interested and change his behavior towards me - I freeze up inside. I loose all interest. I figure out what words or actions that would alienate the person and then I do it. It is over before it ever really began.

You might think I have problems with attatchment or commitment or something. Maybe it is that too. But what I feel is not fear but weariness. "Now the game begins" I think. I notice myself responding to how I am supposed to react when he is doing his part. I am revolted by it. And in that same moment it dies for me.

That is why I keep my feelings inside me and shelter them. To let them last longer. I do not think it is possible to start a relationship without falling into the old tracks that are shown to us by media and the world around all of us. Yes there are different variations. But they all feel fake and unsatisfactory to me.

If you who are reading have a suggestion for a sollution to this problem of mine you are very welcome to comment on my post. Even if you just want to tell me I am completly wrong and pretentious or something. I am fully aware of the fact that I am dysfunctional and strange. :-D

Hex fires

2009-04-26T19:32:00.015+02:00

Now the ancient fire festival of Valborg/Walpurgis, (or Beltaine) is beeing prepared. I have seen many bonfires beeing stacked. Sweden is very secularised but all the old heathen festivals are still celebrated by almost all, but concidered just fun tradition by the majority. This makes it easy to be a practising heathen.
We usually travel to the summer house, clean up the lawn and spend Valborg there. So also this year... I love it. It is the first time of the year we go there. And now there is all the spring flowers. Yesterday and today it has been real summer weather, too. We also go there because the biggest bonfire is usually on the beach next to the cottage and we don't want it to be burnt down. It's traditional to get drunk at Valborg and that is a dangerous combination with fire and fire crackers, that are used to scare evil spirits away.

The tradition tell that the Hexes would have a party this night and then return from Blåkulla "Bluehill", where they had resided since Easter or Ostara. From there they brought back the vegetation spirit to the land so the summer would be bountyful. The May Queen brought it with her in the shape of a seed like Persephone in greek tradition. The fires could symbolise the guiding light of the torches of Hecate who was known to the romans as Diana Lucifera or Diana Lucina. (Interesting that we in Sweden at midwinter have the Lucia tradition.) Since the Hexes flew in the dark the May fires made it easier to find their way back home. Of course they didn't really fly they were just high. It has old shamanistic roots. Now we just get drunk. :-)

Diana Lucina/Hecate is not forgotten...

America

2009-04-26T12:18:00.007+02:00

Once upon a time a sami family from Finland emigrated to America. One of the daughters was my great grandmother, also a hex. She worked as an waitress and met my great grandfather. They had a farm and my grandmother was born. My great grandfather inherrited a farm in Finland so they moved back. My grandmother married a charming but bad man, against the will of her parents. My grandfather. During the war she escaped with her children into Sweden and married another man. And converted to Jehovas witnesses. I remember this much from what my aunt told me. I was most interested in the part that my great grandmother was an hex too. Do I remember it wrong if I think it was Michigan they made their American farm in? I wonder if I still have relatives back there. Did my great grandmother have sisters who stayed back there and who had daughters and granddaughters?

Now when I have researched finns in Michigan a little I just have to cite this slightly racist remark the folklorist, Richard Dorson made about the finn emigrant community in his classic Blood Stoppers and Bear Walkers:

The coming of the Finn has rocked the north woods country. He is today what the red man was two centuries ago, the exotic stranger from another world. In many ways the popular myths surrounding the Indian and the Finn run parallel. Both derive from a shadowy Mongolian stock - ‘just look at their raised cheek-bones and slanting eyes.’ Both possess supernatural stamina, strength, and tenacity. Both drink feverishly and fight barbarously. Both practice shamanistic magic and ritual, drawn from a deep well of folk belief. Both are secretive, clannish, inscrutable, and steadfast in their own peculiar social code.

It tells me something of how the finns were recieved if nothing else. It is not at all stange to me now that my great grandmother and her husband decided to go home to Finland again. My aunt said that my great grandmother missed the genius loci of her homeland. I guess it was like me missing the Torne river now.

Awen

2009-04-24T15:19:00.007+02:00

The only strong experience of Awen I ever had was walking by an gigantic ancient Birch tree at home. It was a quite ordinary day and I was neither glad, sad or empthy feeling. I had not eating anything special or starved myself eigther, had not prayed or meditated or dreamt anything unusual that night. I didn't feel a longing for God to show up, and I do NOT think I was choosen or spoken to by God allmighty or anything like that. That's not how I think it works. Was it even the tree? It is a tree I must have walked past a thousend times and climbed a hundered times.

But in that moment I was made aware that everything is One and Love.

Thought this was an beautiful experience that I often try to recall in my memory, I don't try consciously to repeat it. I am happy that I don't have those all the time, it would become an nuiscence. But I would wish that everyone could have one such experience in their life. But I also belive that when we die, all of us no longer have the mental walls up that separate us from knowing that we are and have always been part of it: God or Hel or whatever you want to call it.

Now Baron, one of the founders of P.I.E. is experiencing something that he puts into words with references to tv series Twin Peaks. He says fire is walking with him and talking to him. And he is saying meny strange things, sounding like an oracle with a fondness for David Lynch productions. We are having some trouble interpreting him, but it will be interesting to see where all this ends up.

Blacksmiths & Black magic

2009-04-18T18:20:00.036+02:00

I bought this viking age style glass today. This model was found at Birka. Come Beltaine I will drink Wytchwood brew from it! Since before I have a bowl and a money purse from Birka that my brother gave me. I have some jewelery too, quite much. When we sailed to Birka on Coleridge last summer, I bought a crystal pearl. My collection of replikas is growing, I hoard like a dragon. I like how much of the things are made in the same way now as they were back then. From my aunt I found out that we have some Vallon blood in our family, and she said my eyes are Vallon.

The Vallons were blacksmiths and magicians. Or people thought there was some magic to the blacksmithing that they were so secretive about. I have many different streaks of magicians in my family history, and on both sides too. Most of it is sami. I love to hear storys about my ancestors. Some of them are infamous. Well, one of them. He had a bit of a temper. I wouldn't strike someone with blindness, even if it was just for four days. To begin with, I don't care to find out how to do something like that. And then there is the Law of Return. Who knows, my wiccan sisters could be right, there might be something to it...

I'm pondering something the mysterious 'Gerrymander' left as a message to the PIE crew: "To see ahead you must learn what has come before."

Well, that is true for my life too. I want to learn as much as I can about my ancestors and history around them. Like, what was special about the skolt samis that set them apart from other samis? This summer I'd like to travel to Inari to find out. I am also intrigued bu the Komsa culture. When I worked at Voullerim 6000 we made a research trip to Alta to look at the place it was discovered with professor Westfahl. It's interesting the way genetic research changes our outloook on sami history in Scandinavia and western Europe right now. And all peoples all around the world. Like when they found out the viking queen buried in Norway was persian! Peoples have wandered around and blended with eachother.

Ohh, I want to participate in the Genographic project. Too bad I have no brother on my biofathers side though. Maybe this research will counteract racism. I know I am a total mix and I am happy about it, just more of history to feel connected to. My microbiologist friend who is han chinese, told me that the split toenail I have is a sign I also have han chinese ancestry. I was intrigued, I love daoistic philosophy and long before I ever heard about Dao De Jing I heard sentences from it in my dreams. I was also awed when I found out the linkage between samis and berbers of noth africa 9000 years ago! But there is another aspect to it also. Now research in immunology is done on samis, and I have donated my blood tests to research on Lupus. The long dark winters in the arctic may have changed the samis immune system, researchers theorize. Maybe knowledge of the past will lead to a cure...

The Phoenix bird of Hope.

2009-04-12T20:25:00.022+02:00

My lupus is in remission. I now have reached a subclinical level of inflammation, no longer burning up with rheumathic fever. I'm picking myself up from the ashes and regenerate once again, just like the Phoenix bird. The creature of Hope.

The Phoenix bird is also the logo for Paranormal Investigation Experts or PIE, a group I have been following and joined forces with some weeks ago. Hector, the brains of the pair that founded the group, has a theory called the JUMP theory. Or in my language: 'HOPP teorin'. HOPP is a nordic word that in it's anglicised version is written HOPE. So for me the JUMP theory is also a message about HOPE for a better future. (You did know that english originates from Nordic language? There is a saying: 'You cannot be born, live or die without speaking Nordic' ...Isn't that true, geekgrl2019?)

But the story of the Phoenix bird also tells about the pain of recreation, renewal. Before it can be reborn, it has to burn up in fire. (Think also of the beloved hindu God Shiva, the Destroyer.) There is always going to be people who don't want things to change, because they have more to gain by preserving their own power. And so it is in this case too. Somebody is sendig blueclad zombiefied goons to harass Hector and Baron, and the same people is trying to prevent the JUMP from happening again. Probably 'Greyish' types. They will fail. Resistance is futile.

Call it Ostara, Eostre, Easter or what you will. Doesn't matter what religion, this time of year is significant. This is the season of hope, beginning NOW. The egg - a really strong symbol in myths of all cultures. On the outside it looks like a dead stone (and often is camoflaged that way too, in pattern and colour) but from it comes life or a new way of life. Ptah the creator shaped the world egg in Egyptian myth. And many more cultures muse about the world beeing shaped from an egg. My own ancestors, the finnish, too. The druids say the egg is not from a bird but from a snake or dragon.

Wales, Cymry, is the land of the red dragon. I went to Aberystwyth at Lughnasadh the same day as my initiation in the Dan yr Ogof caves, to look at the Black Book of Carmarthen. Later I found what the welch call an dragon egg at the beach. It is egg shaped, smooth, white and a little translucent, looks like stone. I hold it when I need to calm down and think. The dragon who is born from it some day, I hope, is me.

The egg we are hunting now is the next JUMP. Weather the mysterious egg comes out of the butt of a bird, snake, fish or dragon, we will find it and open it. No strange organisation will be able to stop PIE. It is the oldest story in the mythology book, (or clay tablet) and our thoughts and expectations have power. What we can believe in, we can make happen, we can create. Just think of all the inventions that science fiction writers have dreamed up, that inspired researchers and were realised.
I have a dream!

Homesick for the river.

2009-03-28T14:04:00.016+01:00

The ways people use surgery to alter their bodies, is not what I would choose. Sure I care if people think I look good or not but It's not my dream to be beautiful. I would wish to enhance myself not for looks but for practicality. I want fur. Not a fur coat from butchered animals, but my own fur growing from my skin. Fur like that of an otter, all over, the face too. That would protect me against the cold, water proof fur. And claws, a cute black nose and whiskers, a tail and all. I would spend all my time in the wilderness, half of it in the water.

I still remember the day you said: 'the river flowing through your head would take you far or leave you dead', and all you said was true.

I love rivers, rapids. Best time I ever had was in the river-rafting class, when we had to jump into the rapids of Kukkola to try out what we had learned about getting to the shore. I had a helmet and lifejacket on, and keept my body at the surface with my feet pointing downstream, and just followed the current. Like that old man in the daoistic story, I didn't fight the rapid I tried to 'be' it. I didn't use energy to swim against it, I trusted the river and it broght me to the shore.

I have grown up by the riverside, the Torne river. I don't feel right living away from an unbound river. The regulated tamed streams are not rivers. When I worked a summer at the museum Vollerim 6000 I lived by an heavily regulated river. I dreamt nightmares where the spirit of the river was crying for help, tortured and in pain and despair, and I blew the dams up in my dream. I didn't feel right there. Or here. You can take the girl out of Torne river but not Torne river out of the girl.

Moonbathing & nightswimming.

2009-03-27T18:45:00.008+01:00

This early in the spring everyone is as fishbelly-pale as I am. Later, I will stand out in a crowd beeing the only one still with a snowtan. I have to wear hats when I go out in the daylight and it makes me feel like Greta Garbo: "I want to be alone!" (Don't come any closer, I'm strange, mysterious and aloof. It's not that you don't like me, I didn't like you first!)I didn't choose to be a goth, it pretty much just comes naturally with the whole 'stay out of the sun' Lupus regime. And a black hat suits a hex.

But I have bought a new bikini! It's a monochrome black Panos Emporio, inspired by punk, with lots of nice details. The bottom has a scottish kilt inspired supershort skirt. I will wear it moonbathing on the deck of Coleridge, a Leisure 23 sailingboat. And nightswimming in the lake in the forest.
At midsummer, the Arctic Cirkle, midnight, the sun is weak. It almost sets at the horizon, stops, and then rises again. I like that month. If I can choose I sleep at daytime and stay up all nights instead... A very romantic time, that midnight sun time of the year.

Who is NOT a doll?

2009-03-23T19:56:00.004+01:00

Since about a week back I have been blogging about relationships, about dreams: ones own, and the dreams of other people. Earlier I have blogged about the TV show Dollhouse and how it's a microcosm of society. It is, both when they are in there and the assignments the actives are sent out on. All are great material for discussion. My thoughts are occupied with questions about freedom, individualism, relationships and the capitalist consumerist society. Not that I believe the alternative (communism) is better! That's not what I'm on about. I just think we should take a good look at our own programming. Because we Are. Heavily. Programmed.

I guess that if I had paid any attention to literature class when we went over Ibsen's play 'A Dollhouse', I would be able to show off with references to it. Sadly, back then I thought that the society and family the play mirrored was extinct or severely injured and dying from the process of progress, and paid it little attention. But now it's all backlash! If the game's changed any, it is only because men now are used in the same way as only women used to be in old patriarchal society (in the open at least). We now have not a non patriarchal society, but new patriarchal society. Call it the Culture of Death or just 'Gray'. Just notice, please...

Snowboard Sister Sun

2009-03-23T09:41:00.014+01:00

So I was talking to my old snowboard sister Sun and she was all nostalgic about the old days and the gang. I can remember some less fun stuff too, althought most of it seem funny afterwards. I was StraightXEdge then, but the gang wasn't... (They didn't smoke anything at least, ftw.) They figured that my potential to get free drinks from guys was going to waste. So they insisted that I walk up to guys, and the guy would then buy me a beer and I would say thanks, walk away with the beer and give it to them. I argued that I felt sorry for the guys that was supposed to pay for their beers. They replied that the kind of guys that buy girls beer just do it in the hope that the girl will later get into bed with the them. And so the beer-buyers where total sleezes anyway, and deserved this, it was like an feminist fine or something.
Another thing they wanted us girls to do was to make friends (flirt) with famous snowboarders (like Johan Olofsson) and then introduce the gang. Yaiks. I'm not a groupie... (And I seem to fall hard for skiiers not snowboarders anyway, looking at past records.)

But I miss the snow. Me, Sun, and the snow. Bliss.

Not my Dream

2009-03-22T17:43:00.010+01:00

Had to watch boring un-interactive tv entertainment last night,
to be 'social' (which I'm not beeing when I use the computor,
they say -_-).
But it payed off!
I got to see Thomas Di Leva say:
'That's their Dream.'
Those words will stay with me for ever...
Di Leva ftw!

Exchange my life with Lupus for life as a 'Doll'?

2009-03-22T14:24:00.018+01:00

...I could aswell be living in a dollhouse. I have to live very healthy to keep my Lupus in check. Eating salads, staying indoors and doing yoga is pretty much how I have to live my life anyways. It's the assignments I couldn't do. (And the pretty part of it - They would have to put a knife in me first, lol.)
But wiping me to dollstate and then imprinting me with someone unaware of the restrictions I need to follow would be fatal. I can't smoke, drink or use drugs, medical or not. I can't even be in direct sunlight. Or else my Lupus sets off an autoimmune attack on myself and wreck my kidneys and then I die from internal poisoning. Strange, but true.

So, if I forget that I have lupus, I'm dead. It would be murder to wipe me. So please don't do that to me... But if the discussions I had with Daniel in the Mnema chat turns out to be on to something, maybe my body can be cured from Lupus if I'm imprinted with a personality that doesn't have lupus. In the tv show Dollhouse the actives are made nearsighted and whatnot. So, could they...?
In that case: please kidnap me and make me an active (bring on the knife too!) because I wish for nothing else than beeing cured. There is no cure for lupus now, and no new drug for it has been registred in 50 YEARS! The drugs we have now suck or are totally dangerous! Prednisone makes one a diabetic almost for sure. That's why I almost rather die than take it again... I don't want this 'life'...

...Like, I used to have serious relations, once upon a time before lupus manifested itself in me. CosmiC, and the other one... We can call him CubiC. CosmiC and CubiC are very alike and very different. They both have the same name, hight (tall!), red hair, green eyes, freckles, and they are both computor hackers, extreme skiers, are left-handed and dress in monochrome black. So people didn't notice when I changed back and forth between them. Until they opened their mouths!(...Why am I so nostalgic now? Is it spring in the air, I'm lovesick?)They are both idealistic, but have very different views on life. CosmiC is a total romantic, ruled by feelings, impulses. He IS music. CubiC - we where totally ecofashist when we where together, it was all intellect and asketism. CubiC looks like an angel. CosmiC looks like an fallen angel. Both are attractive but in different ways. I still love both of them but in different ways. They both hate me now, but in different ways... For the same reason.

I know it is impossible to be together with two people who are that different from eachother at the same time. And going back and forth between them couldn't go on for very long before there was offers of marriage from both people. Offers of completly different kinds of marriages! Like, CubiC wanted us to move deep into the forest, grow organic food, keep goats and horses and have a pair of kids. CosmiC wanted me to be his sidekick, kinda like a Robin to his Batman. It was wierd times. I'm not sure why CosmiC was so messed up at that time, but I blame it on the military and not on me. But he's ok now... he's alive, he leaves tracks on the web. Havn't heard from CubiC in years, but I trust him to take care of himself. He's totally invisiable on the web, but he always was a 'behind the curtain' kind of guy.

But to conclude: There is no cure for my lupus but what does it matter?
There is no cure for my lovelife, even if I didn't have lupus.
I just can't make up my mind. Ever.
I can't fulfill anybody's dream.

Let the Sunshine in!

2009-03-20T13:28:00.006+01:00

When I first moved away from my foster home at age fifteeen, I didn't get a tv of my own. Instead I borrowed the tv we used to have at the cottage in the woods at summer. By Equinox each year (pretty much at the same time the snow started to melt away) I lost 'my' tv, and by the time of Samhain (When there was snow again) I used to get it back. A PC I didn't have, didn't need. I also used to go snowboarding 15-25 hours a week, which left little time to watch screens, even in the wintertime when I had one to watch.

But since my Lupus manifested I have been in front of screens a whole lot, bloging, watching bad tv. Lupus makes me sensitive to cold and to sunshine so there is no ideal season for me to engage in anything I used to love to do. Outdoor stuff. Before I got Lupus I never imagined that there was a condition like this - I'm like an vampire, direct sunshine is deathly to me. So here I am, pale as a ghost, as snow. I sometimes wonder - is this really me anymore? And no, it isn't. I'm som kinda freak.

But you don't have Lupus, you could go outside and soak up the sunshine if you'd want to, instead of reading my stupid blog.
Why don't you - do it for me.

Unorganize

2009-03-19T11:16:00.012+01:00

"We don't want an organization. What is organic needs no organization. You build from without, we build from within. You use yourselves as building stones and fall apart outside and in. We are built up from the inside like a tree, and bridges grow between us that are not of dead materials and dead force. From us life itself issues. In you whatever is lifeless enters."
Kallocain p.90

This qoute explains my reluctance to be properly organised in any form. I never entered Ordo Serpentis, but lingered in the Conspirare forum. The gang and the goverment is no different, they make me 1% or how was it put by Jane's Addiction?

Antisocial, I am. Unable to 1)Organize & 2)Keep secrets.
I like secrets, to reveal them not to keep them. There are no truly Secret Organisations. Not secret to the allseeing E.Y.E. :-)
The only truly secret organisations are the ones that doesn't exist. Like the Kallocain qoute says. In the spirit of Daoism and Kropotkin-Anarchism.

No one is an island. No, I'm not Ibiza, not even Svalbard (more in line with my carachter than Ibiza? lol) Besides, C.G. Jung said some people are like islands, but even they are connected with everything else, beneath the sea. On a archetypical level of consciousness. On the deepest level all of humanity is ONE. (Maybe there are even deeper levels, where animals and all kinds of life, even plantlife, is ONE. In that case I think only the aboriginals is connected to that. Dreamtime, they call it. As an ecosystem even 'dead things' like snow & wind are connected to everything else, of course.)

Hm, just dawned on me... Hazel could be on Svalbard now. But my best guess on where there is an Dollhouse in scandinavia is Tromsø, Norway. I'ts close to Bardufoss, and the American military precence is strong there. It has the Worlds most northenmost University and a University hospital with research in biomedicine and psychiatry. I know about this because CosmiC lives there,I have often visited Troms in the past. He was acting very strange when he was in military sevice, I then believed they where testing out some kind of experimental drug in Bardufoss. (...We where ingaged at that time but I broke it off due to his irratic behavoiur and went back to CubiC.) ...I'm just speculating, but I'm guessing actives could be sent into Russia from there. In my opinion it has to be Tromsø. Or what if Tromsø is 'the attic'?

X marks the lupie

2009-03-17T12:45:00.008+01:00

I get up in the morning, wash my face, and look into the mirror: A big 'X' over my face, that looks as thought someone draw it there with a big red crayon. Nature is crossing me out. It's called the butterfly rash, or the wolf bite. It is the mark of Lupus.

It sometimes makes me feel like I shouldn't be here anymore, seeing that. Like 'I should have died 2005'. My death was inscribed into my DNA, I was never supposed to live to be 30 years old, and I escaped with medicine. Now I'm just part of the overpopulation problem of poor Gaia. That is one way to look at it.

The other way is of course: I almost died and I survived! A Miracle! Every day I get from that point on is like a gift! And I just want to make the most of every day. Death is very real to me and so is my life. I am aware now of just how much it's my life. And it makes my loved ones not to take me for granted.

I find much support on the internet, the days I feel sad about beeing 'cursed' by this, the pain, the fear of death, the feeling of uselessness, and the total lack of understanding and sympathy that society sometimes display. There are idiots out there. But it's not a well known disease, and nobody who hasn't got Lupus can fully comprehend how it is to have it.

I feel for the people in Deepwell, and especially Deepwheelgirl, so I wrote them a letter with parts of my story and some advice. I hope that their community will find a way forward together. Because 'everybody hurts... sometimes'. But just imagine your pain as a white ball of healing light. (Btw, my power animal is an otter. Wolves beware! *^_^*)

Really NEW, or just a bit new?

2009-03-15T14:50:00.005+01:00

People say they want something NEW but they generally mean something that is 99% old and 1% new. Give them something about 9% NEW, and they don't even bother to make an effort to find out what it's about. Or worse: they get angry, frustrated and confused. This is a fact known by most artist and something that is very stunting in the creative process - at least when one has to take in account that money has to be made in some way off the stuff one is creating. Of course there is the audience of other artists, that are very supportive and apprechiating, but they are probably not millionares... Too small of a following.

I admire anyone who is trying to get something really NEW out there under these circumstances. I symphatize with all who despite these conditions still try to be creative, and are hoping for some little progress to be made. My heart goes out to the ones who have made it big, but now are chained to their past creations by an loving fanbase, and the corporations that expect them to make money off these fans.

So this New Age that is supposed to have begun, the Age of Aquarius, why isn't it supporting more real change?

Spiral

2009-03-11T11:21:00.010+01:00

In my mind I have started to compare the Dollhouses to Mojo's Mojoverse. Mojo might be revolting, but he created the coolest supervillain ever, Spiral. And he does know how to put on a show.
Spiral is just amazing, her powers and how she use them - dancing! Her look: colours, style, beeing cyborg but yet using magic. She fights, she's a scientist, artist and whatnot. Six arms! In this picture she is looking a lot 'Valkyrish' too...

...But Spiral is, of course, quite insane and not somebody I identify with. No, not Emma Frost or Magik either, I have always identified with... Rogue!

The Dollhouse is a microcosm

2009-03-10T12:40:00.015+01:00

Mike James put it well in his vid, which I watched now when its featured in the recently updated previous section of the Mnema R Prime-Lab site. "All the world is a stage, and the world is a lab - with drugs in it!"/Mike James

I think the Dollhouse is a microcosm.
And what does it say about us? If I judge from the Dollhouse episode 4, Gray Hour: That we are obsessed by beeing our 'best' or always trying to be. We think we should exercise because it's good for us, and always obey the doctors, take the drugs and treatments we are prescribed so that we better can preform the roles chosen for us to make profit for some amoral corporation. (This is starting to sound like it will be some kind of existensialist or marxist analysis. :-P my biodad and grandpa & granny would have been proud... or are proud in the spiritworld.)
...And anything traumatic can be cushioned by 'throw pillows and perfectly crunchy salad'...?? Not really, tv-'Topher'.

Aristotle said some people are born to be slaves. Caroline, when she volontered to be ECHO in tv-Dollhouse, said she didn't really have a choice. (I wonder what she meant by that.) She is now really beginning to resist the wiped state. I guess she wasn't born to be a slave...

Tv-'Topher' notices the dolls herd-behaviour. That reminded me of what Aldous Huxley wrote on Hitler's strategy on how the masses could be controlled, in his book Brave New world Revisited. Huxley calls it heard entoxication, heard poisoning. When you go with the mainstream and loose your individual self, you loose your critical ability. To Hitler, intellectuals were useless.

I only hope I will be utterly useless to the Gray... That's my life's mission! That's why I'm known as H2O hexagon, snowcrystal. I'm on my own so I won't be broken. It's cold and lonely, but I stay me.

My other blogpost on the 4:th Dollhuse episode, Gray Hour: The Dollhouse on Tv

2109

2009-03-09T14:58:00.033+01:00

Take a look this article about IT in 2109: Part 1:Qantum Entanglement, Mini Black Holes and Nanotech & Part 2: Living Quantum Computers, Mind Reading PCs, and DNA nanofiber CPUs.
...Conspirits will get the 2109 reference, sorry if anyone feels left out but it's an interesting article anyway. [Och conspiriter som glömt: gå till Conspirareforumet och sök på 2109! Förr eller senare blir det relevant igen...eller så inte. Vad vet jag? :-P]
Anyway, just to make it a bit clearer, there was speculation about 2109 beeing some part of The Others, or then again not. (temponauts, technomages, Thelema probably: '93' references, from the future?) They were helping Conspirits out with enochiana in a previous case, the Marika/Maria case as I call it. 2109 were tricksterish, manifesting themselves with jumbled messaging through computors. 2109 seemed to posess humor and poetry, thus we decided early on that they were not likely associated with the Grey. One could always hope they will help out again if they think we are touching upon a case that they view as important enough for them to interfere in. I think this case ought to have awakened their interest with it's future-changing potential. But why do they call themselves '2109'? I never got that. Back then I didn't get the '93' thing eighter, when it was so easy to research. 'Will' and 'love' doesn't exactly sound menacing... And what was that Metatron (=Thoth?) business, was it at all important? Metatrons Cube is cute tho', it looks like an hexagon from this angle!
Ah, well... angles, Angels...
...In my defence, it's not my cup of tea. I'm more of a 'Noaidi' kinda Hex, even if it probably comes down to the same thing in the end? Well someone adviced me to look better into it so now i tried a little. I'll try not to get in their way at least. There must be ppl better suited for that technomage stuff. I love author Michael Ende's The Never Ending Story. (...the book not the film, for Hel's sake!) But I'm not sure it's at all connected to 93. ;-P
...Or if any of it is connected to this current mission, more than by those concidered-as-hoaxes-vids at R prime-lab site from user 13 and those appearences of nickname 93 in the chat.

Dollhouse 'Topher' VS Toph

2009-03-09T09:10:00.010+01:00

I have recently watched the full episode Grey Hour and got thinking. Just what kind of person are we dealing with here?

I'm thinking about the possibility of identity theft in one way or another.
1) - What if R corp found Tophs abilitys useful, but his idealism disturbing... Couldn't they just have copyed his 'mentat'skills and edited out the idealism, and imprinted Toph with the altered version of himself? (Explaining his amoral stance as portrayed in tv-series Dollhouse, if the fiction is anything to go by...)
2) -Or, if they imprinted altered Toph on a doll, wiping real Toph and making him one of the dolls in there, or one that became selfaware and escaped?

-But then my old infiltrator theory:In the tv-series things keep getting wrong and 'Topher' is always acting like he's just making minor mistakes, or there is someone else interfering. In Gray Hour he's all defensive, and blaming his own impulsive nature for 'mistakes'(00:23:30-00:26:05)but what if the slackerish exentric thing is a cover up.
Could Toph be infiltrating Dollhouse? I mean real Toph in real Dollhouse. And secretly trying to sabotage R-corp? And what about the whole Hazel thing, and possibly Toph monitoring the Mnema R prime lab site? (someone is!)Just think about it, R-corp was going to go ahead with the project anyway. Most damage can be done from the inside...

I'd just rather have Toph on our side, but if he's not, then we have to make plans how tho deal with him. Like plan A, B, C, D, E, - Z...

If I'm right about identity-theft theory: 2) we'd have one version of Toph with us, and a R-corp version against us. TWO of them. Like an good and evil twin thing...
The discussion goes on... And on...

Cristopher Brink Astro!

2009-03-07T16:33:00.019+01:00

Name: Cristopher Brink
January 27 1981
Los Angeles, CA

Rising Sign is in 24 Degrees Taurus
Calm and deliberate, you hate to move quickly or act hastily. Very practical, every effort must count or you can't be bothered. Patient, persistent and steady, but very stubborn -- you can't be pushed or pressured into anything. You seem outwardly self-assured because you tend to repress your inner tension and turmoil. You exude an earthy warmth, friendliness and charm. You demand comfortable surroundings and appreciate the good life. Be careful of a tendency to be overly self-indulgent. At times, you are lazy and difficult to motivate. Overcoming inertia is a problem for you and, because you are not by nature a self-starter, it is often necessary for you to receive stimuli from others in order to get moving.

Sun is in 07 Degrees Aquarius.
You get bored with the status quo and are generally open to new things and ideas. An individualist and a free spirit, your friends are quite important to you as long as they do not try to tie you down by making too many emotional demands on you. Your thoughts are offbeat and you're a bit eccentric, but not always very changeable. As a matter of fact, you can be quite stubborn at times. Very fair-minded when dealing with large groups or broad issues, you are not always emotionally sensitive to the needs of individuals. Extremely objective, with good powers of observation, you would be qualified to study technical and complicated subjects, like science, computers or maybe even astrology.

Moon is in 04 Degrees Scorpio.
Your feelings are very intense, never superficial. You tend to be either very angry or very sad or completely and totally happy. Your moods are deep, extreme and not always completely understood by yourself or by those with whom you have to deal. Emotionally, you tend to prefer to live at the cutting edge of life, pushing your reactions to the ultimate extremes, even if the results are dangerous or upsetting. You are easily jealous and very suspicious -- you require a great deal of emotional reassurance. A good detective, you are very curious about deep and mysterious things, especially human nature and motivations. Be careful not to be ruthless, tactless or too overly frank or you will meet with much resistance from others.

Mercury is in 24 Degrees Aquarius.
You tend to be very opinionated -- you have strongly felt notions about things and are quite vocal about expressing and defending them. Yet you are also an original thinker -- you enjoy shocking others with your offbeat, original thoughts. You appreciate and need mental and intellectual stimulation. Your judgment is usually fair and impartial -- you can be a good critic because you can remain objective and unemotional about most things.

Venus is in 20 Degrees Capricorn.
You tend to keep your feelings under control -- emotions are only released in serious or important situations. You are distrustful of others whose behavior could be judged excessive or immoderate. As such, you prefer to relate only to those who are older than you or to those whose position is such that respect and duty are more important for both of you than passion or emotional response. Be careful, however, of relationships that are merely based on practicality or utility or you will ultimately be lonely.

Mars is in 21 Degrees Aquarius.
Your ideas and opinions are usually inventive and original, but sometimes they are merely eccentric and offbeat. You are altruistic -- you will work hard for the attainment of group goals, as long as they meet your high standards. You tend to resent traditional authority figures because you think that your ideas are better thought out and more valuable than theirs. Very idealistic, you are a rebel WITH a cause!

Jupiter is in 10 Degrees Libra.
You are generally good at balancing opinions and judging issues, but you tend to be indecisive when it comes to making up your own mind. You are objective and quite concerned with fair play and justice. But, when it comes to yourself, you are so aware that whatever you do might upset the apple cart that you often choose to compromise rather than do anything that might make you lonely or vulnerable. Relationships are very important to you -- you learn about yourself and grow through observing yourself interacting with others. Your aesthetic tastes are refined, but expansive and expensive.

Saturn is in 09 Degrees Libra.
Although you take quite a while to make decisions, you usually consider all sides to a question, all the pros and cons, and the solution you come up with is very often the correct one. You tend to be very reserved and shy, but, once you make a commitment to someone (in either a business or personal relationship), the partnership is forever. You have a strong sense of justice and fair play and greatly respect the laws and institutions by which you are governed. As such, you are outraged when others break laws or show contempt for authority.

Uranus is in 29 Degrees Scorpio.
You, and your peer group, demand to confront life at its deepest and most meaningful levels. Very compulsive and obsessive in your approach to everything, you will avoid anything that is casual or superficial, especially when it comes to relationships. You will seek out and explore new methods of healing as well as different ways to deal with deep-seated emotional problems.

Neptune is in 23 Degrees Sagittarius.
You, and your entire generation, are heavily involved in investigating and idealizing foreign and exotic intellectual systems and religious philosophies. The most extreme ideals will be pursued with gusto. You will be at the forefront of humanitarian attempts to improve the lot of those who are in need of assistance. You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village."

Pluto is in 24 Degrees Libra.
For your entire generation, this is a time of radical changes in society's attitude toward marriage and interpersonal relationships. There is a general fear and awe at the power inherent in making emotional or contractual commitments -- they will not be entered into lightly.

N. Node is in 10 Degrees Leo.
You prefer to take the leadership role when it comes to dealing with others. You enjoy administering and organizing group activities. Others tend to listen to your suggestions because you aren't usually overly domineering or patronizing in your interactions. You love to entertain in a big way -- you're at your best when throwing a large and lavish party. Your popularity and social success are assured as long as you don't take others for granted -- resist the temptation to become snobbish and arrogant.

------------------------------------------------------------------
*Thx 2 ASTROLABE!

*This horoscope is conflicted... Mainly between the emotional and intellectual personality traits. There is stuff in there that seems to confirm some of Dr. Roses observations and fits quite well on how Toph-wedge-99 was. Some things contradict the fictionary tv-Dollhouse Topher, that was in Dr. Roses assesment too: like the strong idealism. I tried Astrolabe on myself and some of my friends and found it fairly accurate.

...Toph is also born in the Year of the Monkey and under the Rowan Moon:

Celtic Astrology
Rowan tree people have visionary minds and well defined humanitarian principles. They remain, however, self contained individuals and their vision is not always shared by the rest of humanity. Their cool temperament disguises some passionate beliefs, for they need to argue their case against bigotry and ignorance. The new moon people born during the first two weeks tend to become impatient and frustrated in this struggle toward a greater awareness. Although they may be quite reticent on a personal level, they will, nevertheless, help pioneer great social changes with reforming zeal.

Chinese astrology
Resourceful, Charming, Persuasive, Amusing, Sociable, Cunning.
The always charming, super-energized Monkey is the partier of the Chinese Zodiac. Monkeys have an insatiable appetite for fun and activity. Having a good time comes very easily for them in any crowd. They are optimistic, witty and blessed with a razor sharp mind. While Monkeys love to be the center of attention, they are good listeners as well. Their bottomless curiosity ensures they will be knowledgeable on a wide variety of topics. Their intelligence allows them to address complex tasks and situations with ease. Monkeys are show-offs who love nothing more than to bedazzle those around them with their antics.
Most Monkeys do not have a highly developed sense of morality. Indeed, if its fun, they’ll do it. Their primary goal is the pursuit of their own pleasure. Monkeys make pleasurable, exhilarating lovers, but beware of the possibility they will stray. Monkeys will try anything once, and if it is the slightest bit entertaining are sure to try it again.
The Monkey’s self-serving attitude may be trouble for many other Signs of the Zodiac. They are very hedonistic and lacking in self-control. If they cannot find a party they will start their own.

*(...Or just party on their own? :-P)

Age of Aquarius & Transhumanism

2009-03-07T15:44:00.014+01:00

I was thinking about this Aquarius stuff and came to the conclusion that, while the ppl I know that are born in that sign are indeed very uniqe and interesting, they are not at all (I'm sorry, but frankly!) the easiest ppl for everyone to get along with. Happiness with them all too often is a castle built by sand. Or snow. This has a charm of it's own of course. But just so ppl know what to expect from this New Age of Aquarius... It's not most ppl's idea of bliss. The changes in way of life that is ahead is clearly pushing at least parts of humanity into some or other kind of transhuman state. I think this is relevant both to Toph and to Dollhouse tech...

Just to paint a picture of what could be expected, I'm using Science Fiction as an example. And my fav author, Tanith Lee's FOUR-BEE series is an interesting vision of an transhuman society. In FOUR-BEE one can change body all together, and design it after every whim. Antennas, silver hair, wings and hologram skin, any gender. Whatever. This can be done over every month, and ppl in FOUR-BEE regurlary kill themselves to get a change. Dreamy? ...It turns out that beeing able to realise every dream with the aid of technology is ultimatly utterly boring and unfulfilling, at least to some. So they escape into the desert to live like 'Adam' and 'Eve' did after beeing threwn out of Eden. (According to Bible myth: that's some non-pagan book, you won't find it in the Edda)

Saturn 8'th of March 2009!

2009-03-07T10:12:00.036+01:00

Keep an eye or a telescope on Saturn! Now at it's closest to Earth, in opposition to the Sun. Also, read my previous post on the Saturn Return effect, and the mysterious Hexagon of Saturn. Otherwise, read the novel Saturns Children, or try making gold by Alchemy. Saturn named Saturday! Yay! Some say Saturn is the real source of Father Christmas, no less. Figure that! ...Remember my warning about the Big Red? Old Crow-headed Saturn is also Odin, Father Time (Chronos), and Death. So how far off was Terry Pratchetts Hogfather and Tim Burtons Nightmare before Christmas, really? And what about Neil Gaiman? Aoo, giving myself an headache now... Not feeling up to playing against Death...
. Some say we are at the starting point of the Age of Aquarius. There seam to be an air of hippie over this coming spring, but is Aquarius ruled by Saturn or Uranus?! Btw, unsurprisingly, Brink is an aquarius. Don't ask me what that entails (The planet Saturn has a bad rep), Astrology, Tarot and Liber 777 isn't really my forte, I just know it's out there... (Well wait, I'll have someone else draw up a chart 4 Toph...)

...But are we now on the brink of something, 'where no man has gone before'? What if this new tech isn't confined to Dollhouses? And does all applications of this tech really have to be bad? What are your thoughts?

Freezing Iza Rune

2009-03-06T14:49:00.010+01:00

...I have decided to give the Coven format a second try. This time around, I was thinking not to expand beyond three members the first year. The Coven will have a Sami/Finnish/Nordic orientation, Ecopagan at that, and everyone involved has to be able to travel into and stay safely for a while in the Norhtern Mountains (Fjällvärlden) no matter what season of the Year. High demands, yes i know, but I find I'm powerless in city contexts, unfortunally... We'll make up the rest together as we go along. ...Ask me if you want to know more. :-)

I'm worried. I'm making up plans to try to release the Rimthurs - the Ice 'Giants'/Trolls upon the world to counterweigh global warming. But I can't do it alone, and besides is it really such a stellar idea? I need to travel into the Holy Mountains, where the ancestors dwell, to ask for guidance. Just spiritually, this time. Isak will know how to proceed, I hope... Iza, not beeing my favourite rune, still is vital to me. This is the time for froZEN meditation. I'm going into Skadi's realm for a while now. Silence. Clarity. Light. And maybe some answers will be revealed to me there... The way forward. Also, how to proceed with helping in Hazels mission. And some spirits to aid Hazel where she is now.

The Dollhouse on Tv

2009-03-06T08:28:00.005+01:00

I just watched some spoiler vids for next episode of Dollhouse: Gray Hour, (thx Eve, for posting a link at Operation Foxtrot!) and in the second vid ECHO is wiped with a signal through her mobile phone. Ohh, how interesting! If the tv-production is on to something, the wipe can be done over phone connection... Imprints too, maybe? Then anyone could become a Doll at any time! There wouldn't be a way to know your friends from your foes in this.
In the end of Stage Fright it seems as though ECHO and SIERRA is conscious of themselves even in the wiped state inside the Dollhouse. That reminds me of the beginning of the first ep, when sombody remarked on how you always CAN tell what it said before on a wiped slate, as an answer to the Tabula Rasa remark.
I erlier have been sceptical on how much you really can tell about the real Dollhouses from the fictional series Dollhouse, but I'm beeing drawn in. It is tempting to compare facts. Just as long as we keep a critical mindset toward the info coming from it - it's a fiction after all, the Joss Whedon series. But with real good research done.
I have been searching out blogs on Dollhouse and tried to recruit new ppl to Operation Foxtrot. Eve started it with the Dollhouse forums. Soon there will be a lot of press on Dollhouse here in Sweden, when it airs at April the 19:th on Tv400.

And btw: in Grey Hour, ECHOS real name is Caroline? There was a Caroline at the Mnema chat at one time, I think...

Maker of Dollhouses

2009-03-03T15:48:00.028+01:00

I'm currently in Skullhell and staying at sister Sun's. I try to get some work done on the computor but keep getting sidetracked and watching Dollhouse and whatnot. Her man is beside me playing WoW, and Sid the dog is at my feet. He thinks I'm beeing mighty boring today.

I visited an old friend from artschool who's making Dollhouses like fanart to The Addams Family and Amity ville. Mac used to identify me with Wednesday Addams due to the fact that I since childhood has been redesigning fashiondolls, like 'Dark Barbie'.
Mac showed me an interesting documentary, Tompta Gudh, about an evil breed that infests Scandinavian forests, but have their origins in Tibet: the Tomte. They probably thrive wherever there is snow so look out... Especially for the Big Red one, he's like their emperor. He's got all the ppl fooled...
Still no word on the whereabouts of Hazel, if she is on Greenland or not. I'm hoping she is on her way or already in Scandinavia. Just putting it out there that if there is a Dollhouse in Scandinavia that needs to be taken apart, and it's not one of Macs lovely creations, I'm up 4 it.

I SEARCHME searched me...

2009-03-02T12:06:00.032+01:00

...And come up with an interesting article about hexagonal water.

'Snowflakes are formed as super-cooled water condenses around particulate matter in the atmosphere. Super-cooled water is nearly 100% hexagonally structured.'

I'm just super cool am I not? [I don't usually go out of my way to advertise stuff like searchme but this is 4 my cousins family. Luv ya Bill, Zoe & Jessi!]
...The real reason H2Ohexagon or Snowcrystal/Snowflake fits me as a nickname is humbling: but NO, you may NOT call me Agent Dandruff, thank you very much... Actually there is theories about dandruff making sense evolutionary.
Well, not much solice 4 me.

Googling H2O heX-files gave me these hits: The Hex Files, another one: The Hex Files And this: Hex Files, and a Oldshool gaming site, a 'Goth Bible', a paranormal forum section, a comicbook, an anime and more... No other H2O heX-files tho'.

More fun finds on the net: Hexagons are significant in the secret math of I Ching, too. Hexagrams encoded in the DNA? Runes encoded in DNA? [no not really...]My favorite runes are Teiwaz, Hagalaz & Thurizas, btw. I think my valkyria nature is overpowering my loving dito. 'Hit med lite äventyr, det är på tiden!' I feel a 'spring cry' coming on. But now is the time to study and work, regrettably, and not to play.

...Sid the dog thought otherwise and dragged me around Skullhell for two hours in the snowstorm. No match 4 the White Witch...

Identity wants to be Free

2009-03-01T16:35:00.029+01:00

Looks like we will have to kick some doll butt? (I don't know what help I will be, appearently my battle cry is more in the lines of:'Peace and harmony at all costs!' according to my astorlogical profile... It does say 'at all costs' tho'...That is a bit agressive :-))
But who are we and who are dolls? And the dolls are ppl too, just brainwashed, dangerous ones... And who doesn't love playing with dolls btw?
I remember the lyrics of Barbie Girl by danish 90'ties popgroup Aqua:

Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please
I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees//
I'm a barbie girl, in the barbie world
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!
you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere
Imagination, life is your creation

Now, Barbie is turning 50, but I'm more into Jem dolls, myself. Synergy (an A.I.), Shana (Outrageous! Fashion Designer) and Aya (grew up in foster care) are my favs... The Misfits are cool too, but was there ever a Techrat doll made? I want one. His bio, from the Jemgirl's site:

Techrat is an electronics genius. He has his own lab called the ‘Rathole’ where he has masses of computers, gadgets and the place he performs his electronic inventions. He is hired by Eric Raymond to create gadgets for the Misfits which usually are for the purpose of messing up Jem and The Holograms concerts. Some of his inventions include, remote controls, frequency jammers, laser light gadgets, flying objects and even a time machine. So often, his gadgets end up being destroyed by Pizzazz due to the fact she wants to have a play. Techrat is rather introverted and is happy to spend hours at a time working on his inventions. Still, he finds interaction with people an enjoyment only when he has completed a project and can show it off to his audience. He gets along better with his computers than he does with people. He doesn’t like to be too close to people and hates being touched. Techrat is kept as Eric’s secret weapon against Jem and the Holograms and they have never seen him and do not know he exists. Techrat enjoys the games played against Jem and the Holograms and loves to see his gadgets take on their full impact this way.

So, he's a little creepy (not as creepy Thin Man tho') but stylish, and reminds me of someone...

Goth Grrl

2009-02-28T02:56:00.018+01:00

A Goth Grrl have posted a vid since 'Dark Hazel' appeared. Viviane has really unpractical shoes me thinks. We don't exactly know who she is but she looks a little crazy to me. She's right about the Valkyrie tho'. Maybe she will gain Hazel's trust. I wouldn't like to meet her in a dark alley though... [A shame I missed Opeth though.]

DaX vid, and Hazels last transmission are amazing though, a perfect finish to this phaze.

Doll took our C777?

2009-02-27T17:13:00.010+01:00

Word on the MNEMA chat, is that Chindambar has walked into a trap and there may be an actual Dollhouse after all! The R primelab forum tread that sparked speculation is the message from C777's nephew. The autentencity of this nephew was tested by Daniel by him asking P to change the post, and his request seemes to have been met.

Even so, this find has been overshadowed by Hazels latest vid where she imprints original Hazel. The community of helpers are unsetteled by her appearence, and are now in suspence for the next transmission that we expect tonight. Becca has valuable insight as to how Hazel should be threated. I give my perspective, having been much like Hazel at one point... I think... We'll just have to wait and see...
Also the murderscene is investigated in detail.

...Hazel original came on and made her self up with goth style hairdo. She doesn't need anyone to tell her anything. I think it will be ok now. Don't know what she should do at Greenland tho'...

Carrying lingonberries

2009-02-27T16:57:00.004+01:00

'The Swedes are coming! And they're carrying lingonberries!' Grampa Simpson, The Simpsons

Who has missed Pippi Longstocking, the Pirate Bay?

Look out for Tomas Isdal next, and his One Swarm.

Swedes sure aren't orderly like their rep. ;-)

Actual realtime Toph

2009-02-27T13:24:00.005+01:00

In the MNEMA R prime-labs a message from Chidambars nephew sheds new light on the whereabouts and involvement of Topher today? Tophs tattoo is the lead...

"Account was traced to United States of America and Los Angeles area. All indicates very good security but private person, not company. BUT: One number was reoccured in user-details and that is 1701 but more than this I do not know."

I feel really embarrased about my vids to Toph-wedge-99 now when I know actual Toph might have seen them. Can I just sink thruogh the ground now, and disappear, please?

...But this opens the door for me to speculate and really use my paranoid mindset. The (fake) Crogun that posed as R.P (that is Robert Peterson) that got TSIS online again is totally suspicious. I actually emailed with him early on, trying to trick more info from him because I thought he really was an TSIS researcher, and after revenge-messing with me he admitted that he was one of the community of helpers just not in those exact words. Who was this rly? Make yourself known or I'll just jump to the conclusion that fake Crogun is actual Toph. It would be neat cuz then we have email adress to Toph. Not that we would need that... If he's following and tweaking the action at R-primelab.

Frankenmom wedge suicide

2009-02-27T07:57:00.011+01:00

I... I don't know really what to say. My definition of life is maybe broader than most ppls. I feel sorry for Dr.Rose. Even if I do think it was very wrong what she did, I don't believe in death punishment and I do agree with Becca that Andrea's motivation was similar to any mother's. This in combination with an unhealthy drive to be at the frontiers of science (where no man's gone before!) made for a really horrible parent, though...

One thing that has been bothering me this whole time is; where was her biofather in all this? And now? What did he think about his daughter beeing handeled in that way by her mother? I just hate it when in our society the father is so easily factored out.

This made me post a vid - possible just a minute too late to load up to lab, and besides it didn't have a chanse to be recommended in time. But anyhow, I needed to get things off my chest. Maybe Hazel will get to see it when (or if?) she gets out of that hellhole alive. I hope it makes her feel less alone and strange if she does by some miracle get to see it in there.

Right in this moment the MNEMA chat i sizzling with speculations on the murderscene.
I'm not smart like ppl there but I like to speculate and suggest new angles. I was thinking the suit is Hazels biofather, maybe also a doc. He and Bertucci would have fought about who was going to get 'his' daughter. Bertucci wants Hazel to be Celia and Hazels biofather wants his original Hazel back. Maybe he and Andrea has seperated, she got Hazel by court decision but now he's found out what Andrea has been doing with his daughter and wants to put a stop to it... Maybe Andrea hated Hazels father so much she wanted to erase his part in Hazel's personality all together...
Maybe her father (also called Dr.Rose, obviesly) took her out of there and got her into a foster home, so Mnema and R-corp wouldn't find her?

And NOW, if he would be alive, but wasn't the one who put Hazel in fostercare, what would he be up to now? Kidnaping her in a way onto a ship and wanting her to discover the truth, transporting her to another country where he can hide her away from R -corp?

Wierd Singing

2009-02-26T17:42:00.007+01:00

I was just having coffe before going to Uni, in such a hurry that I was dressed to go outside already but dropped in to the MNEMA chat to say Hej. Instantly I was asked to make a musicvid, from out of the blue. Appearently Daniel had tried to get someone to rec it for hours, but when I came Devlin asked me to do it - but I didn't get that it was supposed to be a surprise for Daniel... Sorry! It was an humorus and elegant way to tell Dr. Rose that what she did was indeed very wierd, and I was happy to do it for the good cause.

I didn't have time to reherse it much, just tried to learn the melody (no time to learn the text tho', wrote it down) and saved the second take. Wish I could do it over; 'Once more, with feeling'...
The original Wierd Science musicvid Daniel sent a link to was hard to sing to so I went 'a capella'. I think the words came out much better when I sing, than when I try talking English. I will have to sing to you ppl instead of talking in the future. It will be like Sweeny Todd without the meatpies - meat is like poison to me.

I missed the bus and had to run all the way to university (2 miles) but miraculously got but a little late to class. Phew.

Hazel's astological mystery!

2009-02-25T20:43:00.017+01:00

Just when is the right time to put little candles on a big cake for Hazel anyway? Willow or Hawthorn Moon - Oak or Holly Moon? I'm finding it very difficult to find out just what Tree Moon she is born under. Me I'm an Blackberry... Tho' It's usually already Ivy Moon at that date.

Reminds me... Tomorrow, Thurs Day, Ash Moon begins and I have to sew a dryad costume for the mask at the Druid Lodge in Ubmi at Saturn Day. I was thinking, Poison Ivy was based on Bettie Page, so if I sew a little dress in that style from the ivy patterned fabric I have it will be stellar. But I only have a couple of days left to do it tho'... I can't really not go it's my (old) coven sister's 40'th birthday and since I've promised to help nothing but my hospitalization would dull her wreath if I did't show... But I look forward to it tho'. And who knows, I could get valuable help from a Druid Lodge full of Carnivaling Druids and Dryads if Hazel would need help like that at Saturns day... Place should be soaring with Awen...

Why should they care? Maybe because of her name.
Hazel is the tree of poets, diviners, witches. Hazel wands are used
for water witching and arbitration. These are best gathered during
Hazel Moon. Hazel resonantes with Sophia, Christ’s feminine
counterpart & goddess of wisdom.

"In ancient times, the Druids carried hazel nuts in their pockets, to symbolize the hazels of inspiration which are associated with the salmon of wisdom, the salmon being the creature who knows how to get back to the source. So for Druids to carry hazel nuts in our pockets, it’s a reminder that we are dedicating our lives to getting to the source of truth and knowledge, to understand the ultimate cause of all that is, to seek the depth going back to the origins of who we are, the origins of the universe, and the world of the Gods." /Ellen Evert Hopman

The nut of the Hazel was consumed by the Druids for wisdom, and it was believed to be the source of all knowledge of the Arts and Sciences. A forked Hazel stick was used for divining the identity of murderers and thieves. It was used to find water, and buried treasure as well, a practice still used by water witches today. Druidic heralds carried White Hazel wands as a symbol of their station.

I could scale the blue air,
I could plow the high hills;
Oh! I could kneel all night in prayer
To heal your many ills!
And one beamy smile from you
Would float like light between
My toils and me, my own, my true.
My Dark Rosaleen!
My Own Rosaleen!
Would give me life and soul anew,
A second life, a soul anew,
My Dark Rosaleen!

/From Roisin Dubh (the dark rose) 1500-tal

...Just a photo from the Druidfeast. Yes, it did soar with Awen...

Nano Nano!

2009-02-25T19:29:00.013+01:00

Tele tubbies in all honour, but I really enjoyed a show called Mork and Mindy as a young child. Take a guess at which one of them influenced me the most? Mork or Mindy?

...Not related to the poular 70'thies tvshow, is Nanotech. Now introduced as a gigantic experiment on the unsuspecting world. My view of the subject is one of caution, what if? Blood Music by Greg Bear turns out to be profetic?

I kinda react with a Swedish expression: NäNU---!! >:-o
This means: No, now---!(...I'm as MAD as Hel and I'm NOT gonna take it anymore!)

Pinoccio & Galatean

2009-02-25T15:12:00.009+01:00

Two people on the R prime lab site has nicknames and avatars on a similar theme. Pinoccio and Galatean. This inspired me to make a post about those references.

Galatea was the famous sculptor Pygmalion's masterpiece sculpture that came to life, after he prays to Aphrodite (My mistress Freia) to make it so. The greek myth made famous in Ovids Metamorhopses became the inspiration for many later stories in the history of literature, and still is. What first comes to mind today is of course Pinoccio... But my personal favourite on the theme is Der Sandmann by E.T.A. Hoffman

Chidambar777 is back...?

2009-02-25T08:16:00.027+01:00

Yesterday Carnival began. But Carnival time will come to an end and masks will fall... Next week? What to expect then?
It's like I have stared into a kalejdroskope, -smck!- I'm hit with a fish of surprise when the kalejdroscope twists a half turn. I'm chocked and can't believe my own assumptions... I feel sick to my stomach. I feel stupid both for doubting them but also for trusting them, I don't know what to believe any more... Yes you infiltraters from Cherberos know what I'm talking about... 'Nothing is ever forgotten' as Herne the Hunter used to say to Robin of Sherwood.

But Mr Chidambar '777' (Liber 777?)I have suspected all along...? Maybe 4 TAZing? (it's a good thing)
Or for really beeing Thot (...and that can depend, he is tricky but usually likes The Others i believe)

Tonight the previous support guy Chidambar came into the chat, and privatly said he was waiting for 'Mr Grandmaster Daniel Anand'. I thought that was a bit wierd, googled 'Anand' and came up with a chesspro'. Thinking about his nick with 777 again, I sent him some questions about things that might be connected to 93 or 2109 and tried to get an conversation going that would confirm it really was him, too. I think It really was... But there's no way of beeing sure. The answers I got was noncomitting but maybe also a little reveling if I can figure out what in the world he meant??? Daniel was a little upset that Rambo left before he came back to the chat. I didn't refer what I had talked about with C777 thought and I guess that could make ME the suspicious one? Ppl don't even believe that he was there but ust check the Mnema Chatlog, you'll see his nickname there...

//Mr Chidambar has joined 7:39pm
h2ohexagon.blogspot.com - Mr Chidambar? Really? ^ ^
Mr Chidambar is now known as Mr Chidambar777
7:56pm h2ohexagon.blogspot.com - Rambo! You're into angels and stuff? Wo are the 2109? http://www.schuelers.com/enochian/ Omg Enochian magic *headache* Ahaa. Anand, what coincidence, a famous chessplayer is named that too//

I dare not write anything about this in the forum, chanse is that even if he works/have worked for R corp he can be a part of the group 2109 or some other group infiltrating R corp. Maybe the same as Toph was. I don't really know what to think about 2109... And how many more are they?
When mentioning the 2109; Hack'2112'...?
If they are ok then writing my suspicions here in my little insignificant blog won't reach the ear of the mighty R corp and make trouble for Chidambar and 2109 it they really are benign.

I feel I should refresh my memory on enochiana as someone in the chat adviced me but It's not my thing really, I hope someone out there could tell me; Should we expect bad or good things from them? (And is chess really as malicious as Soundless Dawn and the other synchromysticicst claim?)...Have to read up on 93, Liber 777 and the 2109. I have forgotten much too much, I keep mixing them up but so did we back then I remember. Was the 2109 not kinda 'The Lawnmower Man' ppl?...

'When in doubt, blog', as our little genious DaX quoted... I have to rest again 4 a while. This is kinda draining to be researching all by myself. At the same time it's my own fault for saying; you others don't have to care about this metaphysical stuff if it bothers you so much, i'll keep an eye out to see if it's something to it... I digged my own grave there...? But now I'm all like: ...help, someone? Anyone? Mike James even? lol

I don't know how ppl will react when I come out with this. I'm 'the grrl that cried Wolf' too many times before and is labeled paranoid and conspirationtheory-happy. Yes I may fall on my face but it's alright... I'm just beeing HeX.

Tarot for A.I. Butterfly grrl

2009-02-24T13:54:00.004+01:00

As requested by Mike James at R prime-lab:

THE CELTIC CROSS

1&2)Knight of Wands and *THE WORLD*:
The Key cards are here confirming the subject beeing Hazel, confirms the situation she is in (traveling), and asserts her importance for the world at large. Her true nature is the Hanged man in reverse - not a victim but a 'victor'. She is Persefone, that has stepped into the underworld but will emerge again and bring spring to the whole world.

3)*EMPEROR*: She is unaware of her own shadow, a subconscious, tyrannical side: aggressive, brave, bold and in command. She has to discover it and control it lest it will overthrow her, when controlled it will strenghten her. Alternativly this is something underlying the situation that she isn't aware of, and it could be a man like Bertucci... Tricky.

4)Queen of Pentagrams: I interpret as Dr. Rose, she is/was a working buisness woman, practical and down to earth. Dedicated, she is as ambitious in her plans for her children. Her children or partner feel that they can't be themselves and still be loved. She has crossed the line. The card is reversed so something is wrong.

5)*THE MAGICIAN*: This is how Hazel ideally should act in her situation. Combining of elements to create something more. Alternativly, this is Thot/Toph that guide or help her? Something that is making it better.

6)4 Wands: Hazels challenge is to build a foundation she can survive on for the future. A 'house'. I'm guessing it refers to the survivalskills.

7)Princess of Wands: To herself Hazel is a message. She is the hub in the wheel, the center of attention, hers and our, obviusly.

8)The Ace of Swords: To us and the world Hazel is pure information, raw intellectual potential. She is Excalibur, that (the Gray?) want to obtain to gain power.

9)Knight of Cups: Percival seeking the graal, as an act of love and dedication, is who/what is going to save her. That's us, you guys...

10)9 Wands: Hazel will find what she seeks. She's only to shine the Hermit's light upward to see it. She might feel tired, wary and on guard; but remind her that she has reserves of energy and strength for that final push. Completion of all she's worked for is right there, all she need do is go for it!

Binaural Beats

2009-02-24T12:11:00.006+01:00

A vid about sound and soul. Watch it if you dare. Or go on to: Synchromusicology, Chromotherapy, Synesthesia, and the Aural Current of Electric Audiomancy...
Do you posess 'An Third Ear'?

Listen to my music library, btw

the Hexagon of Saturn and Saturn Return

2009-02-24T11:28:00.010+01:00

Synchromysticism of Saturn
Saturn is connected to genetic manipulation and creating a perfect, godlike human. Soundless Dawn is warning us in his youtube vid 'The Violet, Vishnu, Venus, Vixen, Vortex' that terrorist might be trying to take over our collective imagination... Thot and the mystical Rose and my mistress Freia makes apperances too, in different guises. 'Love is the fifth element, after all... '
And on a more scientifical note: The Hexagon of Saturn investigated!

Actual Toph is, if he's alive, soon 29 y.o. the year of the time of the Saturn Return effect: Saturn, planet of destiny, is at the same position as when he was born. His life is going to change, and he is passing into the second phase of his life. Yes this will happen again 29,5 years later, when he comes into next phase.

Incidently, at 8'th of March, Saturn is at it's closest point to Earth that it ever gets in its travel around our yellow star.

Codecrackin'

2009-02-24T10:10:00.006+01:00

Now the Mnema chat and R prime-lab forum is sissling with decoding action!
Only the truth will truly set Hazel free, but the door doesn't open by it self.

There is also an discussion about what really happened in the lab that day when Dr. Rose disappeared. The logs that Toph helped retrieve from the overwitten floppys are investigated, the forensic data availiable. Maybe also Top's vid helped people turn their attention to that again... Even tho' ppl not so in love with Toph keep pointing out how unhelpful he was and how much he messed up. I mean, can you imagine how you would react if it was YOU-wedge-99 that was in his situation, and was aware that you were a 'just a wedge'?

What would you, honestly, do?

What would Foxtrot do?

A.I. Butterfly - Psyche.

2009-02-24T07:25:00.011+01:00

As I wrote before I have speculated in there beeing two ways of saving or A.I. girl Hazel, and one is downloading her. Maybe setting her free on the internet The Landmowerman stylee? (Or there's my donated body.)The obvies way to save her is of course to save her out of that lab before she dies in there. But this isn't a fairytale and besides not all fairytales have happy endings. (The original 'The Little Mermaid' by H.C. Andersen didn't, for one... Love it tho')
Reality bites. And Lupus sucks. Lupus btw is symbolized by a purple butterfly...

I find one thing disturbing, her necklace... Where did she got it and what does it signify? Butterflies were the most reoccuring motif scribbled on the walls of Aushwitz. It symbolises a spiritual journey - from caterpillar, to cocoon (the lab) and then butterfly. Sounds beautiful, does it? Yes, but butterflys have wings. Like angels. And in ancient greek myth the butterfly symbolized the soul, and the godess of soul, Psyche. I hope from my heart that this isn't a sign of things to come... Prayers and gifts offered to Bieggolomai for milder weather and Ran for protection on the sea, might not do it this time.

Daniel came up with an alternate inerpretation:
"Once Zhuangzi dreamt he was a butterfly, a butterfly flitting and fluttering around, happy with himself and doing as he pleased. He didn't know he was Zhuangzi. Suddenly he woke up and there he was, solid and unmistakable Zhuangzi. But he didn't know if he was Zhuangzi who had dreamt he was a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming he was Zhuangzi. Between Zhuangzi and a butterfly there must be some distinction! This is called the Transformation of Things."

I wish someone would post a vid singing Ben Harpers 'Butterfly' song to Hazel, as a comfort to her alone in the cold. It would be perfect but I'm unsure about the lyrics. Someone with her moms voice... Would be good.

I feel so distressed by this that I have to do a tarot laying out for Hazel, as Mike (our resident jester at R primelabs) suggested. Don't be upset with me for what the cards might be, remember I have no control over that...

The vid is up and please don't vote it up to the lab it would make no sense to Hazel. Now I will do the 'reading'/interpretation and post it in the forum...

Last Toph vids <3

2009-02-23T21:27:00.028+01:00

He starts the vid with the vulcan greeting, "hello there, Hexagon and hacks, I'm Topher Nmonic, (Vulcan tongue???)...I put them under 'files'" And then he said: "I'm just a wedge, but in case I'm not dead in the real world - please look me up. I'm available for dating and/or (fish?)" (!!!) Can't make it out... Could be a reference to me threatening to smack Spock around with a herring. Proves my speculation that Toph have to be somewhat of a mashocist if he has a crush on Dr. Rose... ;-) I wouldn't mind so much, now when I've found out he's a Philip K Dick-fan, as well as an W.Gibson fan, too... <3 (...Later realised he slured on the word 'friendship' - and was not sayin fish at all, but decided to keep this post as it is...)

I was relieved that Toph-wedge-99 wasn't angry at me for trying to trick and threaten him (but it was done in a kinda sweet and playful way tho'). Just proves that boobies gets you where you want in life, that plus the Vulcan greeting of course... Said I should look the real Toph up. Yeah right if I can get him drunk first... :-D He didn't fall for the 2029 ruse tho'... (But he kinda responded to it in the second vid, so he clearly apprechated it! Good going DaX!)
He also was very forthcoming with what he could help us with. Acted detective, sent the hacked files.

In the second vid he sits on the floor, in a bad state, writing a note. He finishes the Bladerunner quote I sent him in one of my vids: Time to Die... (Famous last words) Then he nods off and we have Hazel back. Hazel wakes up with the note in her hand, reads it aloud: Hi Hazel, You're all grown up, It's a real McFly moment...(reference to Back to the Future) etc... Why not go to Mnema R prime lab and check the vids out?

Jack Frost is painting the walls of the lab now...

2009-02-23T18:00:00.008+01:00

Before imprinting Toph, Hazel (AI girl) told us it was freezing in the lab. We need to post a vid with more survivalinfo to her.
Speculations of the route is going on i the Mnema chat and in the forum.

After seeing Hazels state after the Tophimprint, the sense of urgency grows among the 'Community of Helpers'. A vid is sent out with instructions and also there is some serious codecracking action in the Mnema chat, with another vid as a result.

Xenondollars feels we shouldn't have decided to go with the drunk-flirt angle 'inciting him further' but he had already done all the damage before he ever got our vids. He had already finished all he had to drink and I can't see that he got any worse, he is actually much calmer in the respond vids. Those vids were made last minute, and I did it because nobody else in the chat had a working webcam at that time. I'm just tired of being scolded for that (like by Trager Maximoff) when I wasn't acting on my own, read the chat archives... The forumthread about Tophstrategy... Ah, whatever. :-D I have critizised others before for their tone of voice with Hazel and stuff! If I can dish it out I should be able to take it. And there is much more people that have said it was good strategy and well done so why should I care so much about one jealous person who can't get vid recommendations for his own vids? That's just silly.

The important thing is to make sure Hazel will survive and won't have to be permanently imprinted in my body. I'm sure she'll much rather stick with the one she got. Me too - maybe my life doesn't suck as much, after all... Or whatever. I could always let Frida Kalho have my body, she wouldn't mind it after the hell she lived through with her last one. She could have babies, finally...

The spiritworld is in on this?

2009-02-23T17:12:00.018+01:00

Is spirit posession catching? I have had some reoccuring dreams about Frida Kalho since I with my fellow Conspirits (The Others on this side) helped out some of The Others on the Other side... The Others are we who oppose the 'Grey' influences in the world, and stop teasing me for Greyphobia btw...
(This painting is one of Kalhos that I put a selfportrait of me into...)

...It is possible that Orpheus hoax that R prime-labs pulled took some inspiration from Eskil Rutsch. They have shown an interest in his work, Agent Orange informs us.
Rutsch invented the technology Conspirare used to techmagicaly free the spirits from their inprisonment. Rutsch is not an Conspirit, we used his technology, and he doesn't concider it to be magic eighter. (Mr. Rutsch please don't send me an looong offended letter saying I've inplied it... Please!! I beg of You!)

But all in the community of helpers seem to agree that the Orpheus thing was only a way to mislead people like Mr. Bertcci that his daughter Celia would be brought back form the dead and the lead is a diversion from the truth, that would set our little (AI-girl?) Hazel free...

In this post I will post some links if someone, probably totally in vane wants to research them. Maybe you have heard some of the Swedes in the chat mention Prosopopeia? And you just want to know more? I'm warning you it's not easy...
EVP/ERF
INSTRUMENTAL TRANSCOMMUNICATION
Momentum

Speculate about Toph's vids!

2009-02-23T15:12:00.009+01:00

Boomer Or Bill Murray...
Scans from transmission 37
...is Toph trying tomake a pass at the gnome? (and the chair!)
...or is he in fact smitten with Dr. Rose?

That gnome-stuff...
I first thought Toph is just drunkenly making a pass at everybody and everything, real or imagination. So I 'used' it when making my 'drunken foreign exchange student' flirt-vid. I don't mean to offend anyone, especially not Swedish girls but he seems to me as a internetporn surfer that has never actually touched boobs and has fantasies about wimen around him so I ran with it. Also I was encoruaged in the MNEMA chat at lingr to play drunk.
Maybe I should've played Dr. Rose but I just can't do her justice! I know my limitations.

...But I'm kinda hoping the gnome conversation was him reinacting something, and that more vids will show him talking with himself and revealing even more stuff stuff from the past.

You can have my body.

2009-02-23T14:14:00.017+01:00

I decided to actually get some sleep tonight, or it was not a decision as much as a necessity… I felt I was turning into a zombie. Anyhow I had much to catch up on at 6.00 this morning when I woke up. The chat was soaring with speculation and activity to get some vids out before uploading time at midnight. Not many had webcams with visual and time was running out. Luckily I had discussed the strategy before and after watching Tophs vids and talking briefly in the chat with the community of helpers, I pretty much impro the three vids, had no time to rehearse over and over. And btw I think that too much rehearsing takes the life out of the preformance... But the strategy was in accordance to what has been discussed on the chat and in the forum at R prime-lab for some days (and nights!) now. I'm afraid the last one with the Vulcan hand signal isn't gonna air so to speak, not enought recs. Hopfully it's enough that I showed 'his' Spock action figure. and threatened to slap it around with a herring. (Yes actionfigure not doll!)

(I'm kinda thinking Topher is very much like my first boyfriend. So there is where my inspiration comes when I'm improvising. CosmiC used to make me watch cultmovies and original Star Trek, I mean the very first episodes, and splatter... Evil dead, such things. CosmiC's fav quote was this Bladerunner one.)

I now have reason to believe that Hazel is an AI and I remember my pun on ‘save Hazel’ in the chat the other day, when I pointed out the double meaning, that is that saving can be downloading Hazel, too. The complete papers that are identical with the ones Hazel scanned in before imprinting Toph has been found on the web, it concerns the AI subject. Intriging! In a privat conversation I suggested in jest to Shev that we might need a Voight-Campf test and he sent me a test that can be fun to do instead, but take another test if you are Swedish.

I also volunteered to be imprinted with Hazels AI if her current body freezes to death in that container on a ship going… where? ‘Goth’eborg, Sweden, I hope. Or even better, Ume, Sweden. I seriously would imprint Toph if he really is dead and doesn't want to be, I like him... (Changed my premature opinion of him, yes I did) And let’s face it… I don’t have a life anyways…

I have started to call Topher 'Toph' today and now i realise... it's almost like Thot. Well the offer still stands, I'm all for donating my body to Gods, have done so before (drawn down the Godess)... But will my mistress Freia (or Sarakka the samis call her) be jealous?
During the Marika/Maria case I saw his hand in things concerning Prosop. and he might be the same as Metatron. It's all in there in Crowleys 777 I think... long time since I read it, not really my cup of tea that ritualmagic. Btw, I also suspect that mr Chidambar is Toth too, so don't take me to seriously in this. If it's Thot we will never know cuz he is a trickster, Loke in asirmyth. Hermes trigamestros, Mercury... He can't be caught...

Btw, Chidambar777 went missing and so did Crogun whom we conspirits belived was one of us but it was not! The mistery thickens...

The Player

2009-02-22T18:54:00.001+01:00

There isn't much to gain
By living all the same way
The years just slip away
But it's too late then to play
If you live from day to day
You can play the game your own way
There's a million things to say
In a million places

For her it stays the same
Though a million towers have tumbled
And you can hear her pain
Voiced in a distant rumble
And when it starts to rain
All your monoliths will crumble
It's always been the same
Don't you feel a little bit humble?

She came up to me, she said:
'Wanna know a mistery?
There's a whole wide world for you to see
You're just a player in the game'
Well I've nothing left to say
Except take the time to ramble
In a million different ways
There's a million paths to travel

And when there's something in the way
Take your time please remember
There's hope yet in the rain
And a voice in distant thunder

The Levellers The Player

Just a painting...

2009-02-22T12:18:00.005+01:00

Fields of Gold is a painting I never managed to finish. I like it as it is. The mans face is impersonal, blank, detailed the tattooed hand pulling at his tie. I think this painting of mine relates to The Others fight against the Grey. Remembering, reqlaiming ones true deeply buried self from under all the obediance training surpressing it.

Confusing tv-shows with reality

2009-02-22T09:11:00.006+01:00

I have to put it out there that people must have been very tired chatting tonight (I know I was) when they talk about carachters in the tvseries Dollhouse as if they were real and in realtime. The tvseries are based upon rumors and a 'Dollhouse' myth, see the thread in R prime-labs forum. If any of the Whedon fiction is close to what really happened, then at least the acter playing Topher and the acters playing in this tvseries isn't the actual people we are investigating - don't get confused about that...

Alfa and the rest can be out there, living normal lifes with false memories. Could be some of us in the loose knit 'community of helpers' that have been attracted to this case... To Hazel. We don't even know it ourselves yet! [I like this! It's very Philip K. Dick!]

On the other hand Hazels recent memories can be fake and she can be an active sent out from an actual Dollhouse existing right now. She is imprinted with Hazel-personality to find out more about something about the lab, the research... that they miss in the actual real Dollhouse (that the myth and the tv-show is based on) something that got lost when Dr. Rose disappeared, got wiped or whatever happened to her. In the tvseries the process has unsatisfactory failings. That can be a clue. Maybe the people behind the tv-series Dollhouse is on to something?
Lots of possibilitys are still open.

Metaphysical speculations

2009-02-21T20:33:00.018+01:00

I pay close attention to celestial phenomena, and I have noticed that when Hazel stepped into the lab a penumbral eqlipse of the full moon was taking place, 9'th of February. This event when total is called 'Blood Moon' and 'Blood on the Moon' when partial.

I was (mis?)informed of a conjuction of three planets at 22'th of February: Mars, Jupiter and Mercury. I still am unsure what info to trust. But does it matter? It remains to be seen... Hazel has been adviced to imprint Topher wedge during this Sunday.
As I have stated several times, important events in the Marika/Maria case always coincided with celestial phenomena. If this is the case in this case too(and just Blood on the Moon is not enough to convince the positivists) then that would confirm that what takes place now is yet another battle with the spiritworld involved. Or at least people using it's powers for their own agenda... Like the Grey.
The new info thought is that there is a conjuction, but at February the 24'th. That is also the day of the Carnivale. So much the better.

Also at March the 8'th Saturn will be at its closest to Earth. Saturn Return also comes into play here... For Topher, who is 29 y. o.
(...and when talking about planets I can't help but mention that the 'community of helpers' mourned Plutos lost status as a planet in the chat.)

I feel I have to adress this some way, but I feel it is very hard to do so at the R prime-lab forum when almost everyone involved are researchers, many of which are positivists. I am not among peers. I get some support from fellow Conspirits, though. Not surprising when one ponders what we have been through together before, in facing the Grey, the 93, and dealing with posession.

talking about the Grey... there was just something in the chat with the nick Grai that said nothing, and the other day '93' did the same. 93 has appeared here and there, too. in 13's vid. in the chat: said nothing, and when I questioned its nick it just left intantly. as a jest I speculated that 93 was maybe here to take Celias soul back where it belongs. 13 is the number of Death, HE WHO SPEAKS WITH CAPS LOCKED THE WHOLE TIME...
...that's not what I said about the number 13 in the chat before. I'm shifty? no but the numbers do shift their meaning in different contexts. remember Freia is the head of the Valkyria aswell as godess of love.

Just to add to the list of suspicius things and especially numbers corresponding with the Marika/Maria case: CHIDAMBAR777. 777 beeing the suspicious number. Why would he choose that? Why has his company got this unpayed contract and why does he do so much, helping us for free? He posts even when not beeing asked any question, draws attention to himself/herself??? I'm thinking it could be Thot again. I always suspected Thot of helping Conspirare out but also confusing us (the trixter he is) back in the Marika/Maria days... I think I hear Thot giggling behind the Mr. Chidambar mask. And btw, it's Carnival time! Everybody in masks!

A calm day at R prime-lab

2009-02-21T13:43:00.012+01:00

Nothing much has happened at R prime-lab yet today. It's still night in the US but anyhow, I don't expect it to be too lively today. Maybe the stir of newcomers asking for help in the forums, sending Hazel (honestly speaking) quite uninformed advice through vids... We must expect that some of those vids are going to merit reccomnedations high enough to be uploaded to the mobile lab and maybe cause confusion. Everybody gets one vote, no matter how long you have been working the case.
Maybe when it's closer in time to when the satellite link is up again, more of the familiar names are going to show up in the offsite chat... Because the next imprint requested by the highest rated recent vid (by Hack 2112) is asking for Hazel to upload Topher. I like what he's saying but not the tone of voice he uses towards Hazel, he sounds kinda condecending. And irritated when mentioning the gun, a point he's pressed before but not been obeyed at. I understand if she reacts with defience to that tone of voice. ...I would!

People in the chat has mentioned that tvshow Dollhouse again, that the last episode shed some light on Tophers profile. Since we don't get Dollhouse in Sweden, I'm anxious to fins out if I'm right about him. ...Not that I would judge anyone on how they are portrayed in a fictional tvproduction!
Many seem to want Topher to be on 'our' side because he feels like 'one of us' and they choose to ignore Dr. Roses assesment of him as beeing somewhat of a psychopath even. He views everything and everybody as a game. He himself is identifiying with a Mentat - that's from Herbert's Dune. They calculate without feelings much like human computors. I have tried to press this in chat yesterday. Soon enough we will find out?

What is 'our side' anyway? I'm not sure at all that we all have the same motivation in this. Some will play along with the majority to get votes on their vids but what do they really think? Sometimes I react badly to how they use words and diagnoses about people and I almost started a fight in the chat about it. It was bugging me how they seemed to be so convinced that doctors and their scientific tools are always right against the individual that nobody questioned Dr. Roses assessments of people. I was grateful when Daniel, defended and shared my wiev. I have a hard time expressing myself in a foreign language, as you can probably tell... :-)

Hm, I see now how my reasoning is flawed *giggle* I doubt Dr. Rose about Foxtrot beeing so antisocial but trust her (but mostly his own assessment of himself saying he's like a Mentat) when it comes to Topher...

Bring Brink Back!

2009-02-20T23:22:00.018+01:00

Right now it's beeing discussed weather or not to make Hazel imprint Cristopher Brink right away. Some people reason that this would be too stressful for her. I think she should go ahead! I have this whole night to help now. But only this night.
And we do all so want to meet the much discussed Topher. If he isn't already among us... Some paranoia has been going on in the chat today, in jest for the most time?

But Hazel is very stressed out about she beeing Celia. Maybe her original 'antisocial' (Pippi Longstocking?) nature will resurface from all this confusion. And as much as she has the right to her own body, it would make things hard for us trying to help her... She would be like 11 y.o. still. Or maybe she would become an amalgam of all the imprints, totally schitzoid... Hope not...

Now I said I would make a survivalvid for Hazel. It's Agent K's message. Best go do that then...
Done! It was two. Cuz i forgot to say one thing, about saving cigarettes until she needs them to vanquish hunger. (Also Agent K's advice.) I just made that vid for Bertucci about not smoking, and now one for his daughter to smoke! Wierd...
Probably shouldn't drink so much beer right now. But it's Friday and I'm in Love! I'm falling for every intelligent nerd that show me an ounce of respect, girl or boy. I know I shouldn't party when a girl is starving in a containerlab on a ship out on the big dark ocean. She won't have a beer for some time, but if she doesn't follow Agent K's instructions in the vid's I made maybe she won't have one ever again... Imagine that for a sec.

Agent K shows us how tracking a sattelite is possible: http://www.n2yo.com/

Those vids are sure taking time...
Oh, I don't know if I can stay awake to see if anything else will happen tonight... My back hurts. Now it's been 24 hours since I sleept, I have to take a nap at least...

Agent Orange put me up to it...

2009-02-20T15:29:00.020+01:00

I got an email from Agent Orange saying 'Something has awakened'.
'Something' was a satelliteuplink to a mobile lab and it revealed a girl trapped in the lab.
I found other Conspirits already involved and helping to figure out how to save her, so I jumped in. Presented myself: "I'm another Swedish Conspirit. A LIS drop-out. Inqisitive. Imaginative. Impulsive. And yeah; 'I'd rather be hiking'..."

started to research lots of things.
http://mchalepac.lcsc.k12.in.us/c-brink.html
1)his name is Christopher Brink and
2)he is born in 1981,
3)he's a trekkie
4)he's a selfproclaimed computor nerd
5)his email is lonegunner1701@hotmail.com. Tophers tattoo says 1701, too.
...well, I was barking up some of the wrong trees at the beginning? Nobody thinks it could be him. Strange tho' to find someone so simular...

...I feel for this girl Hazel even if I don't know if she's really a clone or there's some other kind of deception going on here. the info is that she's grown up in a fosterhome, as I have, and she has a fear of beeing shut in because they used to punish her that way when she was a child. also she tries to find out more about her biomum. I remember going through my bioparents appartment after they both passed, and what mystery! and angst.
I recorded a vid 4 Hazel, she asked us to tell us a little about ourselves and provide some entertainment. I showed her my geeky collectors items. I can just imagine how it feels to be trapped in there alone... But I think the one who got the vid was the Bertucci imprint. Maybe he thought I was his daughter Celia or something, the imprints are often very dizzy and in a suggestible state.

...To be honest my real motivation is my wish to really stick it to the Grey one more time! the bigger picture here is that they are, true to form, trying to take control.

More info at:
SEARCHME/Dollhouse Joss Whedon
Mnema R prime lab
What or time is it or Where?
The Company P
Lyssna!
Lyssna mer!

the end of Rain is the beginning of Snow

2005-11-20T12:04:00.001+01:00

...and the beginning of ice. finally the cold has coressed the whole of Norrland. yesterday we went out on skates on the freshly laid ice, 20 - 40 mm thick, for the first time this season. It was clear as glass, a window almost as big as the lake, making the lake an aquarium. i laid down on the ice and peared down, looking for fish, but no luck. i only saw a bug swimming in and out of the foliage. Bearman was getting nervous when the whole sheet of ice resounded with his strides, but my swirles made no sound in the ice. i did not skate so close to the open water.
today snow fell, covering the big lake mirror. and so the beauty is hidden. this teaches us the necessity of catching the moment. do not prospone, nature does not wait until you have better time.

i really needed to be outside just now, too... since my bioparents i didn't know i had mysteriously passed away, and i was called by relatives i had to come and take what i wanted from their appartment... whoa. I mean, what strange appartment. the tv wasnt in any cannels, and there were lots of radios and electronical stuff and letters from some esoterical orden and dairy about mediating messages from the dead and stuff. And all clothes were in perfect staples like the appartment was a landscape. All glasses were on the table, filled up with water. it was like an installation. there were medicins also, dont know what they were but i guess my bioparent were psychotic or something. they sure smoked lots of cigarettes! I took the new stuff, vaccumcleaner and tv, but left all the old stuff it smelled so bad from nicotine.

fruit of the roses

2005-10-20T10:24:00.000+02:00

in the dawn i picked the fruits of the roses in the Arboretum. the birds do not eat them, and if nobody picks them now, they will be spoiled by the nightfrost. last year the first snow fell on my birthday, but now no snow has fallen yet. no h2o-hexagons. in the morning i found the time to take out the itchy seeds and cook a marmelade from the rosefruit. it is rich in vitamin C and many other components that science can not even measure. it will do my imunnesystem good. i plan to pick hawthorn in the Arboretum today, drie them in the owen and use them for tea. it strenghtens the arteries and the heart.
i have been out picking cranberries for half a week. for every berry you see, there is thirty you do not see at first. it takes some patience, when the berries "hide" in the soft moss. hard not to get ones feet wet, too. but the smell of the forest is enchanting this time of year, and the air itself is fresh. one has tooo look out to not stay until darkness falls, as it comes sooner and sooner every evening now. it is not easy to find your way out of the forest with only moonlight to go by.
i have also picked some more rowanberries and put them on a string to dry. i will use them for seasoning food later, or musli.

Havtorn by Bottenhavet

2005-09-27T18:57:00.000+02:00

when i was home me and my bear man went to our favourite beach in our sourroundings. this time of year it is not sprinkled with naturist bathers as it is in summer. they never respect the limitations of their area, and go galavanting in the nature protection area, flaunting their bodys and somtimes their lusts. this time of year naked seals lying on the beach is the only "hazard". once we happened to scare a cub that was sleeping. another time we found a dead seal rotting there. and once, the whole beach was covered in white swan fethers. i gathered them but my bear man was worried about bird influenza.
but back to this time. we came to pick Havtorn. the name means sea-thorns. the berries are hard to pick because you need to cut them from the branches one by one or with scissors. what we had not forseen was the mosquitos. this time of year they are usually not a problem. we gave up pretty soon. the crows had ate our cookies by then, too, leaving us an empthy package. we descided to take a long walk because we had never seen such good weather and beautiful sky on our beach. the sea was still, there was a big bloodred sun licking the horizon.
a couple of days later i cooked jelly of the havtorn and rowanberries. nice to have to meat but also for seasoning smoothies with banana base, as i discovered today. now i am back in Ume for eighteen days, before i can take the train going home again. the weather now is typically fallish, autumnish, yellow leaves, mist and wind. friday i hope will be cold and clear, in that case i will take a trip to my cranberry place to pick some. this fall has been all about berries, last summer was all about herbs. i wonder what my next learningproject will be? bear man is learning to build ecological houses. i guess we just complete eachother.
i have read "Dinas Bok" trough now. i DID like it, and i DO understand why it was recommended to me. just like Dina in the book, i want to do only what i myself choose, but for me the price is not peoples lives, even if i would rather die than live a lie. Dina is very sexual, and she has some spiritual powers. she holds her own masses under the moon.
another book i recently finished was Mikael Niemis "Kyrkdjävulen" (The Curchdevil). he is a noted author from my home, and was awarded many prices for his book that i belive was translated into many different languages and is a movie too:"Popular Music form Vittula". i love his books. when i visited my home a woman asked me if i would not be the female Mikael Niemi of our town some day. that was high expectations...! Mikael Niemi once read and commented my poems, and he said: continue writing. oki, i am! he also said i should not write my poems in english. i need to work on that bit.

bringing in the bounty of nature

2005-09-20T18:39:00.000+02:00

to my surprise the whole corridore in my dorm wanted to come out to pick berries and mushrooms one sunday. i was lucky enough to find a whole lot of tasty mushrooms, i have dried them for storing. i have still to pick rowanberries, cranberries and a few things more, those orange berries that grow by the sea on bushes that you need to cut off with small scissors, Havtorn we call them. i regret that i did not get more of the white, honeysmelling blossoms that cure pain and fever. it makes such great tea! i have no idea what the toadstools shall be good for, Pan knows i have not the guts to try them out.
my bear man came up to visit for four days. one day we were by a lake in an old forest, and found this great place to pick cranberries, but i prefer to return when they have frozen up really good. we liked the place so much that we returned in the evening with an initial plan to sleep there, but the windy weather detered us. the starlit sky was beautifoul and we even saw a spectacular northen lights. the swans in the lake were wery upset by our torchlight when we first arrived. we made a fire and cooked sausages over it.
it is frustrating to be bound inside these University walls, i feel totally cold towards the things i have to learn. uninspired. and dying inside. it is also pure death to be away from my love. i am cut in half... will i manage? or shall i give up? and then what? I regret ever starting this, taking loans. it was the first step towards slavery. but it has also made me realise how worthless higher education is, something i did not belive before.
so much of it is exactly like those giant stone heads that the people that used to live on the so called Easter island used to make, that made them use up all the natural recources which led directly to their own extinction. that is what LIS is.
on the upside, i will take the nighttrain home tomorrow. and then i will see the face of my beloved again. it almost feels like i will not have peace of mind until that hour.

in the blueberryforest

2005-08-22T09:17:00.001+02:00

she felt utterly relaxed, picking the blue little orbs. at the same time exilirated and in perfect harmony with the surroundings. a young raven barked from a tree when she drew too close. cobwebs over the berries. toadstools, snails, but no snake today, even though she purposfully hang around the rocky part of the forest, with lots of places for snakes to rest and nest. maybe they saw her.

so many things in this modern life villified her, she felt, but picking blueberrys were an ancient ritual, passed down from mother to daughter, since beginning of time. perfectly natural. something that makes sense. the blueberrys have a healing effect. at first when she picked them, then eating them - they level out bloodsugar and thereby prevent diabetes. and also, in the wintertime, warming her with the rememerance of summer.

she did not fear the bears, who also were out eating the same berries. she knew that because both she and them were so concentrated on the berries, it could happend that they suddently discover they were in the presence of eachother. then they could be startled, but it would be important to not make a fuzz. if she did not, the bear would not. they were, after all, kin.

her people, the sami people, have a legend that they are the children of the suns daughter and the bearman. so they all have a bit of bear in them. she belived it, because her man sometimes, or quite often, became a halfway bear. inside. one could tell by his way of walking then, heavily, his grunting and that he no longer could understand human language. then she had to drive him into the forest. half a day later he would return, a man anew. and she was the same. she suspected all sami were. to know this about them would make it easier for others to understand them.

but the skilled nåids of her people were said to be able to turn wholy into bear. that was why the bears were revered, and given a royal burial if killed. much ritual and magic surrounded the burial som the spirit of the bearman would not return to take revenge. the wimen would chew red bark from (al)tree and spit it on the returning hunters trough brass rings, which she imagined symbolised the circle of the sun. forgive us, father bear, in the sign of our mother!

the vikings feared these bear men, and had a name for them that they transfused into the english language: berserk. Bärsärk, means björn (bear) särk (shirt/guise). they used the name for men who could go into animal fury in battle, and prove to be formidable warriors...

snowflakes

2005-08-16T12:22:00.000+02:00

there are no snowflakes in Sweden yet.
i am afraid there will not be, until sometime in october.
hopefully the first snowflake will fall on my birthday,
just like it did last year.

in Sweden we have snow six months of the year.
it is good for skiing on, or snowboarding on.
the winter is a good time for reading books.
rainy wheather is another good excuse to read.

i own hundereds of books. half of them is novels.
last week i bought four old books - a series about western architecture.
the latest book i read was "The Robber Bride" by Margaret Atwood.
right now i am reading "Dinas bok" by Wassmo, a norwegian author.

i liked how Atwood used the four aspects of the godess in "The Robber Bride". in the end i realised that they all needed Zenia, the disruptive force, because they were all so unable to let go of destructive parts of their lives. she had to do it for them. it was all so elegantly written. a new favourite of mine!

i read Dinas bok because long ago someone reassured me that i would love it or it would somehow relate to me in one way or another. then i happened to find it at a bargain price, so now i will find out if it was a true observation. i will let you know...

it has fallen some rain every day the past few weeks.
i am glad that i soon will have opportunity to wear autumn clothes.
i like the materials, colours and styles better. brown, purple, wool.
velvet, silk. granmother stuff. my gran was very glamorous.

saturday i bought a pair of hand-made "nålbundna" mittens.
for my 30:th birthday my friend Lisa made me a pair of "nålbundna" mittens, but they disappeared when i was at a booksale. i guess they were too beautifoul to leave unwathced for two minutes. but mittens are not necessary yet!

Moon day i changed the dirt in the flowerpots. today, Tyrs day, i bicykled to the nearest forest and picked some blueberrys. they are good for levelling out blodsugar and therby protect against diabetes. there was three latinamerican indian looking wimen with their children there too. the girls were a bit curious of me, but shy, too. i will put most of the berries in the fridge to make muffins later.

there is something so wonderfully monkyish about picking your own food out in the "wild" nature... in this forest i often encounter animals, i perticulary like a snake that is kind enough to take a minute to look at me before she crawls away, and the calm elk family we saw when we were cross-country skiing last winter. i heard that an otter resides at a local strea, i have to get hold of a boat to check it out! otters are so neat and i have only ever seen their tracks before.

soon i will have to go back to the university. this summer i have
seen much animals, birds, wildlife. some concerts and theatres also.
i have not had any quarrels with anyone. i am rested.
i have, however, not finished my essay. this bothers me a lot.

my essay is about ecocentrism in a book and a literary genre.
i have fifty pages to write about it. that is why i sit at the computor.
i actually dislike computors, or i do not like them. i would not
name my pc. but i met my man on the internet. for that i am gratefoul.

this fall he is taking a course in building ecologically, houses, boats.
we find our funiture at auctions, second hand stores, at old relatives attics. last week he got a couple of teak chears for the balcony and a Perstorps-table. it was in fashion in sweden in the fifties. i got him a tomatoplant.

we also found our plates and stuff second hand. i prefer greenglaced Scandinavian stoneware, square plates, art deco forms. Old Höganäs is nice but Deco will do too. when we went to Åre we made stops on the way at least fifteen times to check out "loppisar" as we call second-hand stores in sweden. i found a pair of green drinking glasses, an Old Höganäs bowl, and teaspoons that i am sure were designed by the swedish artist Hans Arnold.

in Åre we went hiking in the mountains. a bit too exiting when a thunderstorm came upon us i Vålnådalen. this summer, all by chanse, we have visited places were Ronja Rövardotter (after the book by Astrid Lindgren) was filmed . Skuleskogen and Rissnefallen. impressive nature scenery. makes me want to see the series again.

well, i will prepare some porridge to eat blueberrys with. i do not know where my man went but the flat was thourogly cleaned when i came back home. when he starts cleaning i usually assume that he is in a bad mood and wants to be left alone. but it really needed some cleaning! and i have not done it. he made us food today, too.

by the way, i am no special and uniqe snowflake.